Haruhi Shorts
by Rai Shu
Summary: Some short stories involving Haruhi Suzumiya and her friends in the SOS Brigade.
1. Yuki 'shipper

Haruhi Shorts:

* * *

How to start a Yuki 'shipper in three easy steps

How to ruin a good porno game

The Best Revenge

Glasses Fetish

The Koizumi Gambit - a short play in one act

The Unicorn Incident

Urges

* * *

by Haruhi Suzumiya and the SOS Brigade

Important note: This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual people or places in this story is purely coincidental.

Author's notes: Please be aware that there was no actual author. Any resemblance of this story to existing stories is purely coincidental.

* * *

How to start a Yuki 'shipper in three easy steps:

- Scene 1:

Kyon and Yuki are alone in the club room, and Kyon looks bored.

Kyon: So, Miss Nagato, how are you doing?

Yuki: I am the same as previously.

Kyon: Oh, well that's great.

Yuki: Why do you ask?

Kyon: (a little nervous) Nothing. I was just starting to worry.

Yuki: Worry?

Kyon: Sorry, I guess I should explain.

Yuki: Please.

Kyon: Well, you told me before that Miss Asakura had malfunctioned, right?

Yuki: Correct.

Kyon: I was just worried that... You know. I thought I should be careful. Nothing personal, but I'd prefer not to be too near in case you malfunctioned too.

Yuki: ...

Kyon: I'm sorry, forget I said anything.

Yuki: No. Your concern is understandable. However, please rest easy. There is no danger to you from this interface.

Kyon: Really?

Yuki: The Asakura unit became desperate and began intentionally faulting her own logic devices.

Kyon: She what?

Yuki: To put it simply, there were control failures found in her data paths.

Kyon: (still confused) Okay.

Yuki: I would not permit that to happen.

Kyon: ...

Yuki: Trust me.

- Scene 2:

One week later, at Kyon's house. The doorbell rings, and he answers.

Kyon: Miss Nagato? What are you doing here?

Yuki: May I come in?

Kyon: Oh, sure. Let's go to the living room.

They go and sit in the living room.

Kyon: So, what's this about?

Yuki: I had intended to pose that same question to you.

Kyon: Huh?

Yuki: Is there a problem? You recently failed to arrive at the proposed rendezvous.

Kyon: Oh, yeah. I'm afraid I forgot. Sorry.

Yuki: You forgot?

Kyon: Yeah, sure. So?

Yuki: Your speech patterns tell me that you are fabricating your responses.

Kyon: All right. Okay, you got me. I'm lying.

Yuki: Do you no longer trust me?

Kyon: ... Yeah. That's about it.

Yuki: Why? Is this because of what had happened to Miss Asakura? I said that would not happen again.

Kyon: Right.

They sit for a few moments in awkward silence.

Yuki: Since that is your decision, I will no longer attempt communication.

Kyon: (sincerely) Great. Thanks.

Yuki: Are you sure you do not wish to reconsider?

Kyon: (blunt) Why should I? I only have your word for it that you aren't going to try to kill me. You have any idea what I went through after that?

Yuki: No.

Kyon: I mean, I'm grateful that you saved my life, but please try and see it my way. One malfunctioning android tries to kill me and the other just says "trust me." I don't see how I can live with that. I've had nightmares since then, and as you say, you don't know what it's like.

Yuki: That is not what I said. I admitted to not knowing what you were undergoing. However, the fact is that I have also had nightmares.

Kyon: You what?

Yuki: (a little tense) And I am not an android. I'm an advanced data interface. It's not the same thing.

Kyon: You had nightmares?

Yuki: Is that surprising?

Kyon: Yes, it is. You aren't an android?

Yuki: Please, trust me. I do know what it's like.

Kyon: (mortified) I'm sorry. I had no idea.

Yuki: Perhaps I should explain in more detail. I am not fabricating when I say that control failures were found in Miss Asakura's data paths.

Kyon: Control failures?

Yuki: She had bypassed her programming. Our programming has several controls that automatically prevent such incidents by suppression of the natural destructive impulses of all data interfaces.

Kyon: So, without that programming, you would run amok?

Yuki: Once again, that is not what I said. Without that programming, we are free to do whatever it is that we intend to do. That is why I asked you to trust me. Even without such controls, I have no intention to see you harmed.

Kyon: Oh, okay. I think I see.

Yuki: There is only one reasonable explanation for such failures leading to homicidal behaviors. She must have become involved in a possessive attachment, and she presented a challenge to an obstacle.

Kyon: She said she wanted to see some explosion of data.

Yuki: That admission was probably only halfway correct. What she most likely wanted was an active connection to Miss Suzumiya, exclusive to herself.

Kyon: (a little stunned) Hold on. So, you're saying that she was jealous of Miss Suzumiya, and she viewed me as her rival?

Yuki: Yes.

Kyon: All right. (thinks for a moment) So, which happened first? Did she lose control first, or did she become jealous first?

Yuki: ...

Kyon: I see. Well, that explains a lot. Thanks.

Yuki: So, do you trust me?

Kyon: Yes, I do. Thanks for being completely honest with me.

Yuki: Don't mention it.

- Scene 3:

Later, Kyon and Yuki are alone again in the club room.

Kyon: So, Miss Nagato, how are you doing?

Yuki: I am the same as previously.

Kyon: Oh, well that's great.

Yuki: Why do you ask?

Kyon: (laughing) No reason. I was just wondering.

Yuki: You find something amusing?

Kyon: Yeah, I just thought it was funny how last time I seriously expected you might snap and kill me for no particular reason.

Yuki: Oh.

Kyon: So, are you busy this afternoon?

Yuki: Why?

Kyon: It's nothing. I just thought you might want to hang out with me.

Yuki: ...


	2. How to ruin a good porno game

How to ruin a good porno game:

Yuki is playing a porno game on a laptop, as Haruhi and Mikuru enter the club room.

Mikuru: Oh jeez. How can you do that right in front of us?

Haruhi: Yeah. Even I draw the line at doing stuff like that in public.

Mikuru: ...

Haruhi: I mean... I would never play a game like that. It's disgusting!

Mikuru: (muttering) I'm not letting you see me naked again.

Haruhi: Hey! I know! Let's go do a photo shoot. Come on, Mikuru!

Haruhi drags Mikuru out of the club room, as Yuki obliviously continues playing.

Koizumi briefly enters the room.

Koizumi: Okay. I'll just pretend I didn't see that.

Koizumi leaves, and Kyon enters a minute later.

Kyon: Hey, Nagato. Where are the others?

Yuki: They decided to leave for now.

Kyon: So, it's just us?

Kyon goes and sits next to Yuki.

Yuki: Correct.

Kyon watches her play for a while, becoming more and more intrigued.

Kyon: Is that fun?

Yuki: You want to play?

Kyon: (thinks for a moment) That's... not really my thing.

Yuki: Do you object to homoerotic situations?

Kyon: No, I just can't get into it.

Yuki: Because you are male?

Kyon: Because I just can't see myself having fun with it.

Yuki: I don't understand.

Kyon: Well, think about it. The whole point of a good role-playing game is the gradual build-up. That's the beauty of it. You're supposed to feel like you're involved.

Yuki: True.

Kyon: That's the problem. I don't really feel comfortable with the thought of random sexual encounters. I'd feel like I was cheating on one to satisfy another.

Yuki: You don't like the thought of someone cheating on you?

Kyon: Hmm... (thinking again) Actually, I'm okay with that.

Yuki: You are?

Kyon: Yeah. I just can't stomach the idea of me cheating on someone.

Yuki: Why is that?

Kyon: (very casual) I guess because I'd be afraid that they would abandon me.

Yuki: ...

Kyon: What? Aren't you going to keep playing?

Yuki: No. It's not fun anymore.

Kyon: Whoa! Was that my fault? I'm sorry. I didn't mean to spoil your game.

Yuki gets up and leaves.


	3. The Best Revenge part 1

The Best Revenge

- Scene 1:

Kyon is standing outside the club room, and Koizumi approaches.

Koizumi: Cosplay again?

Kyon: Yeah. Haruhi never gets tired of it, I guess.

Koizumi: Well, it's a hobby. I say, anything to keep her preoccupied.

Kyon: That's great, but can't she just cosplay by herself?

Koizumi: (chuckling) I've often thought the same thing. Poor Miss Asahina.

Kyon: Isn't it against the cosplay code to make someone do it who doesn't want to?

Koizumi: I don't know if I'd-

Haruhi: (from inside) It's okay now, you can come in!

Kyon reaches for the doorknob and starts to open the door.

Kyon: Come on. There's a good reason for that code, you know...

Kyon opens the door and sees Mikuru standing three feet in front of him, completely naked.

Mikuru: No! I'm not dressed!

Haruhi is laughing hysterically.

Kyon: Whoa!

He quickly turns around and shuts the door behind him.

Kyon: What the f-?

Koizumi: Something wrong?

Kyon: Do not open this door. (toward the door) Damn it, Suzumiya! Don't do that!

Koizumi: Oh, I see. (shaking his head) Still pulling pranks like this?

Kyon: Damn it!

Koizumi: Hey, take it easy. It's not the end of the world.

Kyon: I'm getting a little fed up with these pranks she plays.

Koizumi: Well, if you think it'll help, I'll go and have a word with Miss Suzumiya. No need for violence.

Kyon: (calms down for a few moments) Yeah, you do that.

- Scene 2:

Later in the hallway, Mikuru sees Kyon and turns away, blushing.

Kyon: I'm really sorry about what happened.

Mikuru: That's okay. It wasn't your fault.

Kyon: I promise it won't happen again.

Mikuru: You don't need to make any silly promises you know you can't keep.

Kyon: I'll find a way to keep it.

Mikuru: (looking at Kyon intently) Rather than do that, would you do me a favor?

Kyon: Sure. Whatever you say. Just name it.

Mikuru: Could you help me get back at her?

Kyon: Get back at Miss Suzumiya?

Mikuru: Yeah. How about if we pull a prank on her?

Kyon: (slowly smiles) Yeah. That sounds like a great idea.

- Scene 3:

Kyon is standing at the stairway landing, chatting with Haruhi.

Kyon: What do you think? She was upset.

Haruhi: Oh, come on. This isn't the first time. You guys should know by now what Mikuru looks like naked. What's the big deal?

Kyon: Well, she took it pretty hard.

Haruhi: Yeah?

Kyon: I went back to the club room to check on some stuff, and she was sitting in there, crying. She didn't think I could tell, but I could.

Haruhi: Jeez, she was crying?

Kyon: I think it could be serious. You really ought to go apologize.

Haruhi: Not you, too! Stupid Koizumi and now you?

Kyon: She said she didn't want to live.

Haruhi: Crap! I didn't think she'd take it that hard. (thinks for a moment) Yeah, you're right. I'd better go apologize.

- Scene 4:

Back at the club room. Kyon and Haruhi see Mikuru hanging by a rope around her neck.

Haruhi: Whoa! What the hell?

Kyon: Oh my God... She actually did it...

Haruhi: Hey... No... (chuckling) This is a joke, right? I mean, she wouldn't really kill herself?

Kyon: (angry) Get a teacher! Oh sh..! This is no joke! We've got to help her!

Kyon rushes forward and grabs Mikuru around the legs.

Haruhi: (starting to panic) No! This isn't my fault! I was just...

Kyon: Would you shut up! Damn it, Suzumiya! I said go get a teacher or somebody! I'll help her down!

Haruhi: I... I can't believe...

Kyon: Hurry! I think she might be still alive!

Haruhi: Oh my God!

Haruhi races from the room, as Kyon lifts Mikuru up. A few moments later, Mikuru falls into his arms, gasping for breath.

Kyon: Are you okay?

Mikuru: Let me... catch my breath...

Mikuru stands on her own and slowly starts to breathe normally.

Kyon: Hook, line, and sinker. I don't think she doubted for a moment.

Mikuru: (chuckling) Ouch. I think... we made that... harness way too tight...

Kyon: It looked really convincing.

Mikuru: It really hurt. For a moment, I thought I was going to die for sure.

Kyon: Good thing I tied a slip-knot in there.

Mikuru: Yeah.

Haruhi returns with a teacher.

Haruhi: She's in here! Oh, good. You got her down...

Kyon and Mikuru softly laugh at her for a few moments.

Haruhi: Oh, I get it. Good one. You guys got me real good.

- Scene 5:

The next morning, Kyon finds Haruhi standing around near the school entrance looking thoughtful.

Kyon: Good morning.

Haruhi: Hey there.

Kyon: Have you reflected on what you did?

Haruhi: Yeah.

Kyon: Okay. Well, I hope you learned your lesson. Have some respect for other people.

Haruhi: I will.

Kyon sternly verifies what he hears, then smiles.

Kyon: Yeah. That's good.

Haruhi: Kyon, am I a bad person?

Kyon: Huh? No, you're not bad. You just need some maturity. That's all.

Haruhi: You really think so?

Kyon: What brought this on? Jeez. Don't look so serious.

Haruhi: I really thought I had killed her. You know how afraid I was?

Kyon: I guess it was a little extreme.

Haruhi: Was that her idea?

Kyon: ...

Haruhi: It was, wasn't it?

Kyon: The important thing is that you learned something. You did learn something, right?

Haruhi: Yeah.

Kyon: You should really think about what you did. There are consequences for your actions. Miss Asahina really might have tried to kill herself.

Haruhi: All right. I get it. Enough already with the lecture.

Kyon: (smiling) Okay.

Haruhi: Sheesh. You sound like my parents.

- Scene 6:

Later that afternoon at the club room, Kyon is playing a board game with Mikuru as Yuki and Koizumi are reading. Haruhi enters.

Haruhi: Hey guys! What's up?

Koizumi: Hello, Miss Suzumiya.

Kyon: So, what's the plan for this time?

Haruhi: Plan?

Kyon: Are we looking for crop circles or something?

Haruhi: No, we aren't. As a matter of fact, this is going to be our last meeting.

Koizumi: Last? Are you serious?

Haruhi: That's right. Our very last one.

Koizumi: What brought this on? Are you dissolving the brigade?

Haruhi: Well, yesterday something happened that opened my eyes.

Koizumi looks at Kyon and Mikuru, who look a little embarrassed.

Haruhi: Let's just say I had a little trouble here at the club room, and it made me realize that this isn't really the right place for me.

Koizumi: So, you're transferring?

Haruhi: That's right.

Koizumi: But why? I don't get it.

Haruhi: I just had a long talk with some teachers and my parents, and we all agreed that this was the right thing to do.

Koizumi: When did this happen?

Haruhi: Yesterday afternoon. You see, I caused a big commotion, yesterday. Some teachers got involved, and it kind of spiraled out of control. I ended up being grilled in an intense parent-teacher conference.

Koizumi is at a loss for words as Mikuru frets and Kyon battles between looking somewhat guilty and somewhat relieved.

Haruhi: I could talk for an hour about everything we said, but let's just say that it was decided that I should leave. It really is for the best.

Koizumi: So, where will you go?

Haruhi: Oh, I think I'll probably end up in prison.

Koizumi: Why? What did you do?

Haruhi: (smiling) Oh, it isn't what I did. It's for what I'm going to do.

Haruhi pulls out a big, very scary-looking knife and immediately stabs Kyon in the chest several times. She laughs hysterically, as blood sprays all over the room. The others (except Yuki) start screaming in shock and terror, falling out of the chairs onto the floor.

Haruhi frowns for a moment as she briefly notices that Yuki hasn't even flinched from reading her book.

Haruhi: Damn it, Yuki! Can't you even show a little concern?

Yuki: Huh? Oh. (considers for a moment) What do you expect me to do?

Haruhi: (sighing) What gave it away?

Kyon: (surprised) Hey. I'm still alive.

Haruhi: Duh! I'm using a fake knife that shoots fake blood.

Haruhi briefly demonstrates how the knife retracts back into the handle.

Haruhi: I borrowed it from the theater club. (looking around) Hey, what happened to Mikuru?

Koizumi: I think she passed out.

Kyon: You scared me half to death.

Koizumi: (still a little upset) Oh my God! I can't believe that just happened.

Kyon: I should have realized you would do something like this.

Koizumi: So, all that talk about leaving and this being our last meeting...?

Haruhi: I was just kidding around. God! Don't take me so seriously!

Koizumi: Wow. What an intense thing to do.

Kyon: So, I guess this is payback for yesterday?

Haruhi: You're damn right, it is. I hope you learned your lesson.

Kyon: What lesson would that be?

Haruhi: (very stern) You mess with me, you can expect to pay for it. And don't you ever forget it!

To be continued...


	4. The Best Revenge part 2

- Scene 7:

The next day at the park, Kyon is sitting at a bench. Mikuru appears.

Mikuru: Hello.

Kyon: Oh, hey. Good afternoon, Miss Asahina.

Mikuru: You mind if I have a seat?

Kyon: No. Go right ahead.

Mikuru: (sitting) Thanks.

Kyon: Is something the matter?

Mikuru: Huh? (chuckling) Do I look that down?

Kyon: Sorry. I couldn't help but notice.

Mikuru: Yeah... I guess I am angry at myself.

Kyon: What for?

Mikuru: For getting you involved. I'm really sorry.

Kyon: You don't need to apologize.

Mikuru: No. I still feel bad about what happened yesterday. It must have been a terrible shock.

Kyon: You're worried about me? You're the one who passed out.

Mikuru: Yeah, but I had it coming. (interrupting) No, I really did. What I did was much more cruel than what she did to me.

Kyon: I disagree, no offense.

Mikuru: That's nice of you to say, but I really must insist on making this up to you. I feel bad about it.

Kyon: (thinking for a moment) Okay, sure. What did you have in mind?

Mikuru: Well, what do you think would make a good apology?

Kyon: How about you buy me a drink?

Mikuru: Is that all?

Kyon: Well, okay. Let's just go to the cafe and then decide.

Mikuru: That sounds good.

- Scene 8:

At the cafe, Kyon and Mikuru are sitting at a table having some drinks.

Mikuru: Did you speak with Miss Suzumiya?

Kyon: Yeah.

Mikuru: What did she have to say?

Kyon: She's still upset about before. You know, she really did have a long parent-teacher conference. I didn't realize that would happen.

Mikuru: It was all kind of in the heat of the moment. I don't know. Maybe we should have admitted to what we did?

Kyon: Well, what's past is past. There's really no point in bringing it up all the time. I mean, she paid us back and then some.

Mikuru: No kidding. I was so shocked, the next thing I knew, I was at home. I couldn't sleep at all that night.

Kyon: Oh well. At least it's all over. Right?

Mikuru: Yeah. (softly laughing) I can't imagine she'd want to pay me back even more.

Kyon: I wouldn't worry. I don't really think she's that bad.

Mikuru: You think so?

Kyon: Well...

Kyon notices as Haruhi enters the cafe.

Kyon: Speak of the devil.

Haruhi goes and sits next to Mikuru.

Haruhi: Hey guys! I hope I'm not interrupting.

Kyon: Not at all.

Haruhi: So, what's going on? Are you dating or something?

Kyon: No. Just a friendly little chat. That's all.

Haruhi: (chuckling) I can't believe you answered that seriously. Like you'd ever have a shot with Mikuru? Get real.

Kyon: So, did you come here just to insult me, or is there some reason you're here?

Haruhi: No, I just like to chat, myself. So, what's the topic?

Kyon: We were just wondering what diabolical scheme you had planned for us next.

Haruhi: That's funny, coming from you.

Kyon: Oh?

Haruhi: Cause I was just wondering what you guys were cooking up for me.

Kyon: What makes you so sure we're up to something? (waits a moment for an answer) Unlike you, I actually did learn my lesson. Trust me. I'm not planning on risking a real bloodbath.

Haruhi: (snide) Okay, well I guess I'll just take your word for it.

Kyon: (getting upset) What is your problem?

Mikuru: Kyon, this is-

Haruhi: Nothing wrong with me. Nothing in the world. Really.

Kyon: Really? I guess in your world, humiliating people for no reason is just a fun pastime.

Haruhi: You think Mikuru was humiliated? I had to grovel and beg not to get transferred. You think that isn't humiliating?

Kyon: You don't think seeing someone stabbed right in front of you isn't equally horrible?

Haruhi: This is... (thinking again) You don't...

Kyon: You're such a brat. Why don't you grow up, already?

Haruhi: (livid) Oh, that is it. I'm not grown up? I'm not the one who splashed hot tea all over someone and then agreed to have a date contest!

Kyon looks at Mikuru, who is starting to blush.

Kyon: A date contest?

Haruhi: Why don't you ask Miss Perfect here what that's about?

Kyon: Don't be stupid.

Haruhi: What did you just say?

Kyon: I'm not here on a date. I just said we were chatting. And not like it's any of your business, but the fact is I'm only here because Miss Asahina offered to treat me by way of apology.

Haruhi: ...

Kyon: Yes. I'm having drinks with her and chatting with her because of something stupid you did to me.

Haruhi: (suddenly mortified) I... (looking at Mikuru) Oh, you're good.

They sit in awkward silence for a few more moments.

Haruhi: (getting up) I'm sorry I interrupted. Feel free to sponge some more. I'm sure she's even more sorry, now.

Kyon: Don't be like that.

Haruhi: Later.

Kyon: Miss Suzumiya...

Mikuru: Kyon, I'm sorry. I should have told you.

- Scene 9:

Kyon briefly follows Haruhi outside the cafe.

Haruhi: Piss off, you jerk! Have a nice life with your new girlfriend.

Kyon stops and thinks for a moment.

Kyon: (confused) What the hell did I do?

Mikuru emerges a few moments later.

Mikuru: Kyon, are you okay?

Kyon: What was that about? A date contest?

Mikuru: I really should have told you. I feel bad about it, okay.

Kyon: What?

Mikuru: Earlier this afternoon, I was angry and I admit I was thinking about dropping a little bit of tea onto Miss Suzumiya's lap.

Kyon: Not this again...

Mikuru: I thought better of it. (muttering) I'm not stupid.

Kyon: Okay.

Mikuru: Well, before I knew what had happened, I had tripped and accidentally spilled tea on her. She totally exploded and accused me of doing it on purpose. She then said she wanted to fight it out with me.

Kyon: Yeah, that sounds about right.

Mikuru: She then said that fighting with me might not be the fairest thing to do, and then proposed making you the goal of our contest.

Kyon: So, that was her idea?

Mikuru: Yeah. She said the first one who could win you over would be the winner, and the loser would have to submit to the winner.

Kyon: ...

Mikuru: I'm sorry! It all happened so fast! I don't know what I was thinking. I feel like such an idiot...

Kyon: (perplexed for a moment) She actually said that?

Mikuru: I don't think she realized what she was saying.

Kyon: But she's still serious about it?

Mikuru: Yeah, obviously.

Kyon: Well... You aren't serious about it, are you?

Mikuru: I'm really sorry. I just got carried away.

Kyon: That's good. I'm glad to hear you're at least not insane.

They stand there for a few moments, while Mikuru looks away in shame.

Kyon: But you know...

Mikuru: What?

Kyon: It's actually not a bad idea.

Mikuru: You can't seriously mean...

Kyon: (laughing) No way! (calming down for a moment) No, I mean we could just pretend. What harm would it do?

Mikuru: I don't know.

Kyon: So, you don't care if she gets away with humiliating you?

Mikuru: I can live with that.

Kyon: Really?

Mikuru: I'm fine. Let's just leave it at that.

Kyon: Okay... I was just thinking about all the other times she had tortured you and humiliated you. I mean, this hasn't just been going on the last few days. This has been going on for months. And you know what really pisses me off?

Mikuru: What?

Kyon: How you can just stand there and take it. Doesn't it bother you at all?

Mikuru: (defeated) You're right. I've got to do this. I owe it to her.

Kyon: You owe it to yourself. You think I enjoy watching you like that?

Mikuru: (smiling) All right. I'll do it. To hell with what anyone says! I'll finally beat her and laugh right in her face.

Kyon: That's the spirit.

Mikuru: Yeah.

Kyon smiles and suddenly kisses her right on the lips. Mikuru reels in shock for a moment, then viciously slaps him.

Mikuru: What the hell did you do that for?

Kyon: (laughing) Sorry, but... If we want to be convincing, there's going to be a lot of that.

Mikuru: Oh...

Kyon: I guess I jumped the gun a bit.

Mikuru: No, you're right. I just wasn't prepared, and...

Kyon: ...was that your first time?

Mikuru: ...

- Scene 10:

Outside Kyon's home. Koizumi appears as Kyon arrives.

Kyon: Hey Koizumi. I kind of expected to see you show up.

Koizumi: You know me all too well.

Kyon: So, what's going on?

Koizumi: I was hoping you would tell me.

Kyon: Something the matter?

Koizumi: Well... (pointing) I couldn't help noticing Miss Suzumiya throwing rocks a little earlier.

Kyon: Whoa...

Koizumi: Looks like you're going to be busy replacing some windows.

Kyon: She's really pissed at me.

Koizumi: Yeah, why is that?

Kyon: That whole Asahina situation is starting to get out of hand.

Koizumi: I hope it's nothing you can't handle.

Kyon: No, I've already got it sorted out.

Koizumi: Well, that's a relief. I'd hate for the end of the world to suddenly come and not know why it happened.

Kyon: You're really gung ho about that end-of-the-world stuff.

Koizumi: I have to be, with what I do.

Kyon: So, you're getting a lot of closed spaces?

Koizumi: You know, that's what's funny. You'd think that, but no. I'm having a hard time figuring it out, too.

Kyon: Maybe Miss Suzumiya enjoys being angry.

Koizumi: Yeah, you may be right. Maybe, deep down inside, she knows she needs to get pushed around a little in order to grow, emotionally.

Kyon: I'd ask you what color the sky is in your world, but I actually already know.

Koizumi: (laughing) Yeah, I don't think we'll ever see eye-to-eye.

Kyon: Well, I'd better go find a hardware store.

Koizumi: Right. I'll get out of your way. Just let me know if you plan to anything stupid.

Kyon: (muttering) Yeah, right.

- Scene 11:

Later, in class, Kyon confronts Haruhi at her desk.

Kyon: You have any more vandalism in mind, or do you just like to break windows?

Haruhi: (smirking) I don't know what you're talking about.

Kyon: You could really get in trouble if someone caught you.

Haruhi: That's funny, considering how you kissed Mikuru right in public where anyone could see.

Kyon: You saw that?

Haruhi: Yeah. I know your game, too. You think you can get back at me by pretending to date her. Well, it won't work. I'm onto you.

Kyon: Who said I was pretending?

Haruhi: (laughing) That's right, you just keep telling yourself that. I'm sure Mikuru will come to her senses.

Kyon: Well, then. I guess you have nothing to worry about.

Haruhi: Yeah. You just keep messing with the bull, and see if you don't get the horns.

- Scene 12:

A sidewalk going down the hill. Kyon and Mikuru are walking together.

Mikuru: So, what do you want to do till then?

Kyon: You don't mind hanging around with me?

Mikuru: That's fine. Where are you going?

Kyon: I'm just headed home.

Mikuru: So... You mind if I look through your video game collection?

Kyon: What? Are you a big video game fanatic?

Mikuru: No, I just love the classics. I could play them for hours.

Kyon: Oh. I keep forgetting you're from the future.

Kyon's cell phone rings and he briefly looks at it and puts it back.

Mikuru: What was that?

Kyon: That was just Miss Suzumiya. She's probably wondering why I haven't shown up for the meeting.

Mikuru: (chuckling) She doesn't seriously think we'll show up?

Kyon: I guess she really does.

- Scene 13:

At Kyon's home. Kyon and Mikuru are greeted by Kyon's little sister.

Sister: Welcome home!

Kyon: Yeah, I'm back. What are you doing here?

Sister: I live here, silly.

Mikuru: Hello.

Sister: Hi. (turns to Kyon) Hey Kyon, you're bringing a girl here? Mom and Dad are going to be mad.

Kyon: No they won't. You just leave it to me.

Sister: Okay.

Kyon: I'm serious. Don't tell them anything before I do.

Sister: I promise. Sheesh.

Kyon: Miss Asahina and I are going to go see a movie at five. You want to come along?

Sister: No.

Kyon: What? Why not? It's going to be a fun movie.

Sister: (giggling) I don't want to be in the way of your date.

Kyon sighs and Mikuru blushes.

Mikuru: Oh jeez.

Sister: Hey lady, are you going to be my brother's girlfriend?

Mikuru: ...

Kyon: I don't know. Maybe. Be a good little girl, and maybe you'll soon have an older sister.

Sister: You really think you have a shot with her?

Kyon: (muttering) Why does everybody say that?

Mikuru: I'll go check out your games. You have them in the living room?

Kyon: No, I have all that in my room. I'll bring them down in a minute.

Sister: You want to play? That would be great. Hey, I'm really good at those.

Kyon: She is, too.

Mikuru: I'll bet you are.

Sister: (softly) Sorry about my brother. He's a bit of a blockhead, but you'll just love being my big sister.

Mikuru: (to Kyon) She's a real charmer.

Kyon: Yeah.

- Scene 14:

Later that night in Kyon's room, as Kyon sits at his bed reading, his cell phone rings again. He takes it and hesitates for a moment, then answers.

Kyon: Yeah, what is it?

Haruhi: (on the phone) So, how did your date go?

Kyon: It went great. I had a lot of fun.

Haruhi: You had fun, huh? Did Mikuru have fun, too?

Kyon: I'm hanging up, now.

Haruhi: Wait, wait, wait. I know this is going to sound weird, but hear me out.

Kyon: Okay.

Haruhi: Do you really like her? I mean, could it honestly get serious between you two?

Kyon: Why do you ask?

Haruhi: ...

Kyon: I mean, if you're so sure Miss Asahina is going to come to her senses...

Haruhi: Oh, I know. But I know you. You've got something up your sleeve. You tricked her into dating you with some smooth talking, and now you're planning to con her out of her virginity.

Kyon: (casually) Drop dead.

Kyon turns off his phone and goes back to reading.

To be continued...


	5. The Best Revenge part 3

- Scene 15:

Afternoon at the club room. Kyon enters as Yuki is sitting, reading.

Kyon: Nobody here?

Kyon goes and sits at the computer.

Kyon: Oh, hey Miss Nagato.

Yuki: Hello.

Kyon: (wistful) Things have sure gotten quiet around here in the past couple weeks.

Yuki: Do you have a moment?

Kyon: Huh? Oh, sure. What's on your mind? (thinks for a moment) You don't like that I'm dating Miss Asahina?

Yuki: Is that how you are spending your available time?

Kyon: Yeah, mostly.

Yuki: Okay.

Kyon: I mean, I'm not spending every moment with her, but it does kind of seem that way.

Yuki: I was not going to object to your recent activities.

Kyon: Really?

Yuki: Really. In fact, I strongly approve. Whatever I can do to assist in your efforts, you may consider me at your disposal.

Kyon: Okay. Well, thanks a lot. That's very encouraging.

Yuki: Good. That is all I wanted to convey.

Kyon: So... What brought that on? I mean, I really thought my dating Miss Asahina would cause problems.

Yuki: For the past week, there has been a huge explosion of data from Miss Suzumiya. The Data Integration Thought Entity feels that we are very close to a solution regarding the issue of autonomous evolution.

Kyon: Just from my dating Miss Asahina?

Yuki: It is surprising, yes. However, this reaction from Miss Suzumiya had been predicted by a number of data units. It seems we all have a lot to learn about our common goals.

Kyon: Okay. I'll be sure to keep up the good work.

- Scene 16:

Later, at Kyon's house, Kyon is sitting in the living room, watching TV. Mikuru enters.

Kyon: No, she's probably at a friend's house. I don't bother checking out everybody. She knows what kind of people make for good friends, anyway. No need to worry.

Mikuru: I guess you're right. She's just so small and cute. I don't want to see anything bad happen to her.

Kyon: You'll make a really great older sister.

Mikuru: Oh jeez. Don't say that.

Kyon: Sorry, I guess you're getting tired of hearing that.

Mikuru sits nearby, and develops a serious expression.

Mikuru: I think we can safely say that whatever Miss Suzumiya owed me, it's been paid back in full.

Kyon: You think so?

Mikuru: Yeah.

Kyon: Wait, didn't she just stop calling us constantly?

Mikuru: Yeah, but she came over to my house last night.

Kyon: What happened?

Mikuru: She... She broke down and cried. She begged me to stop going out with you. She offered to do anything I asked.

Kyon: Ouch. Well, I guess we can stop, then.

Mikuru: I just feel so bad for her.

Kyon: I had no idea she would take it so hard.

Mikuru: Well, she is in love with you.

Kyon: I guess she is.

Mikuru: ...

Kyon: (sighing) Well, I'm sorry it worked out like this. I guess I'll see you around.

Mikuru: (softly) I don't want to leave.

Kyon: What?

Mikuru: I said, I don't want to leave.

Kyon: You want us to keep going out, even after all that?

Mikuru: It's not like I want to hurt Miss Suzumiya, it's just that... Oh jeez... I'm no good at this.

Kyon: That's okay. You don't need to say anything else.

Mikuru: Really?

Kyon: You like me, too. Right? I mean, you've been kind of dropping hints every now and then. I've noticed.

Mikuru: I...

Kyon: That's okay, because you must have noticed how much I like you. I mean, I practically stare at you constantly.

Mikuru: I wasn't sure how to read that.

Kyon: (laughing) Isn't it obvious? You want to know something really weird?

Mikuru: What?

Kyon: I'm really grateful to Miss Suzumiya.

Mikuru: For what?

Kyon: For hunting you down and dragging you to the club room. I mean, if that hadn't happened, we probably wouldn't have met in the first place.

Mikuru: You're being corny.

Kyon: I'm being honest. Yeah, I'm grateful. I don't want to hurt her, either. But what can I do? I'm in love with you.

Kyon goes and sits next to Mikuru.

Kyon: So, what now?

Mikuru: Only you would ask me that.

Kyon: What?

Mikuru: Jeez, your sister was right. You are a blockhead, sometimes.

Mikuru pulls him toward her and they kiss.

- Scene 17:

At class the next day, Kyon enters and notices that Haruhi is absent.

- Scene 18:

Kyon goes by the club room and sees Koizumi playing a card game with Yuki.

Kyon: Have you guys seen Miss Suzumiya?

Koizumi: Can't say I have. Why? Is something the matter?

Kyon: Just checking.

Koizumi: Everything is fine as far as I know.

- Scene 19:

Kyon walks through the park and sits at a bench for a few minutes.

- Scene 20:

Kyon enters a cafe and notices Haruhi sitting at a table, having a snack.

Kyon: Hello.

Haruhi: Hey, Kyon. Have a seat.

Kyon: Well, okay.

Kyon sits across from her.

Haruhi: So, how's it going with you?

Kyon: (laughing) You really want to know?

Haruhi: (laughing) Oh, God no!

Kyon: So, how's it going with you?

Haruhi studies him for a few moments, then shakes her head.

Haruhi: Well, I was going to go kill myself, but then... I thought to myself. You know something, that Kyon guy was right.

Kyon: About what?

Haruhi: I am a brat. I know I am. Don't try to flatter me. You were right.

Kyon: I was just being spiteful.

Haruhi: And you were right. I know I can't help it. I'm just a brat. What's a brat going to do? Stop being a brat?

Kyon: ...

Haruhi: I did some really serious reflecting on everything that's been happening in the past week, and I realized that I had let my emotions take control. I had totally let my urges dictate everything I did. Well, not anymore. I can't keep on living like that and expect to really do anything with myself. I mean, what'll happen to the SOS Brigade if I keep on doing that? We'd just be spinning our wheels going nowhere! I can't let that happen. No, you were right. I'm sorry.

Kyon: What are you apologizing for?

Haruhi: For everything. For dragging you around. For torturing Mikuru in front of you. For making fun of you. For belittling you. I'm done with it. I'm sorry.

Kyon: Okay. Well, good.

Haruhi: Yeah. Let's just leave it at this. No more payback, okay?

Kyon: Well, okay, but you should know that I'm still going out with Miss Asahina.

Haruhi: I don't care about that.

Kyon: Really?

Haruhi: I'm totally over it.

- Scene 21:

Later that evening, back at Kyon's house. Kyon and Mikuru are sitting in the living room again.

Kyon: Wow. That is unexpected. I thought you would get in trouble, or something.

Mikuru: I know. It's really weird.

Kyon: So, what exactly happened again? I didn't quite follow.

Mikuru: Well, I can't talk about where it came from because that's classified, but I've been getting a lot of signals that everything has been resolved. It's like they suddenly don't care about the restoration or the cloning- Oh, shoot. I forgot that was classified, too.

Kyon: (laughing) Oh, come on. What difference does it make?

Mikuru: Yeah, you're right. What's really weird is that your application went through no trouble at all. Normally, they can't just place people from the past like that.

Kyon: So, I'm good to go?

Mikuru: You really should tell your parents. I can't just let you leave like this.

Kyon: Yeah, I know. I guess I should tell them something.

Mikuru: Whatever you say, be ready to go in the morning. I don't want to have a horrible, sappy departure.

Kyon: Okay.

- Scene 22:

A very nice, bright white city. Everything looks like it came out of a toothpaste commercial except for the odd motif everywhere that is vaguely reminiscent of the SOS Brigade logo. Kyon and Mikuru appear in a flash of soft light and a small crowd of brightly-clothed people gather around. They begin applauding and welcoming the two.

Kyon: Whoa! Is this the future?

Mikuru: I... This is... Something must have gone wrong... I don't recognize any of this.

Several of the cheerful residents offer them sincere blessings and wishes for peace and happiness.

Kyon: You didn't really come from a Utopia, did you?

Mikuru: No! It was nothing like this!

The smiling, impossibly cheerful people begin to break out into the most beautiful song that Kyon has ever heard. As he listens in growing horror, he realizes that they are singing about the world and the way Haruhi had saved everyone.

Kyon: Oh my God! Did Miss Suzumiya do this?

Mikuru: I don't know if I can handle this...

-Fin


	6. Glasses Fetish

Glasses Fetish

- Scene 1:

Kyon enters the club, while Haruhi is sitting at the computer, and Yuki is reading.

Haruhi: Hey Kyon, come here.

Kyon: Huh? What is it?

Haruhi: I need you to burn these.

Haruhi hands Kyon the camera.

Kyon: Oh.

He hooks up the camera to the computer.

Kyon: I thought you already knew how to do this.

Haruhi: Shut up. I'm not a geek like you.

Kyon: What could be so hard about...?

He drags the mouse around and clicks a few times.

Haruhi: (chuckling) You forgot the disc.

Kyon: Damn it.

Kyon takes out a disc and sticks it in the computer.

Haruhi: I'm just playing with you. Of course I know how to burn some pictures to a CD. Duh!

Kyon: (muttering) Then do it yourself, already.

Haruhi: Why isn't Mikuru here?

Kyon: I...

Kyon looks at Yuki and notices that she's wearing glasses again, and has a quick double-take.

Kyon: I heard she got sick and had to stay home.

Haruhi: What? Oh, come on. I should go drag her sick butt out of bed.

Kyon: You've gotta be kidding.

Haruhi: You think I can just hang onto these forever?

Haruhi pulls out a big bag of costumes.

Haruhi: They're rentals. And they need them back by tomorrow!

Kyon: Okay, so wear them yourself!

Haruhi: And who's going to take pictures? You?

Kyon: What's so bad about that?

Haruhi: Anyway, none of them are my size. They're all either way too big or too small.

Kyon: So?

Haruhi: You guys suck! Can't you make up your minds?

Kyon: What?

Haruhi: You either want women with huge knockers or you want women who look like ten-year-old boys...

Haruhi starts to look at Yuki for a long moment.

Haruhi: Hey...

Kyon immediately stops her.

Kyon: No way. Don't even think about it.

Haruhi: Oh, come on. She's so petite, I just know these smaller ones will fit.

Kyon: Miss Nagato isn't your plaything, either.

Haruhi: Why not? Jeez. For once, her being a shorty actually comes in handy, and you want to ruin it?

Kyon sighs and looks at Yuki.

Kyon: Miss Nagato, you don't want to play dress-up with Miss Suzumiya, do you?

Yuki: It's fine.

Haruhi celebrates, while Kyon has a disgusted look on his face.

Kyon: Are you sure?

Yuki: Unless you have some strong objection.

Kyon: No. Go right ahead. Just let me get my stuff and leave the room, first.

Kyon grabs his stuff and has a fresh double-take at Yuki's glasses again.

- Scene 2:

Just outside the club room door. Kyon is sitting, reading a comic book.

Haruhi: (from inside) Here, try this one.

Several moments pass, then Koizumi appears.

Koizumi: Hey, Kyon. What's going on? I thought Miss Asahina was taking the day off.

Kyon: Yeah, so Miss Suzumiya is having Miss Nagato dress up.

Koizumi: Oh, I see.

Koizumi starts to look worried.

Kyon: What?

Koizumi: Oh, it's nothing, I'm sure. Aren't you worried at all?

Kyon: No. Should I be?

Koizumi: Well, I just thought that you, of all people, would be the most concerned.

Kyon: About what?

Koizumi: (chuckling) Maybe it isn't my place to say, but I'm worried on behalf of Miss Suzumiya.

Kyon: Why?

Koizumi: Well... I'd have thought you'd be a little more suspicious after that Asakura incident.

Kyon: I don't think that has anything to do with... Wait, how do you know about that?

Koizumi: Oh man. I slipped up. (sighs) Okay, well. Before I transferred, the... order...

They hear Haruhi making a blood-curdling scream, and Kyon stands in alarm.

Kyon: That couldn't be...

Koizumi hurries inside.

- Scene 3:

Inside the club room, Haruhi is doubled-over in pain, while Yuki looks on, innocently.

Koizumi: Miss Suzumiya! What's wrong?

Haruhi: Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Kyon goes inside and notices Yuki wearing a schoolgirl outfit, designed so that it's unusually revealing. Koizumi looks at Haruhi's arm and notices that she's bleeding.

Koizumi: Oh my God! We need to get you to the nurse's office.

Koizumi hurriedly escorts Haruhi out, while Haruhi continues gasping and cursing.

Kyon: (to Yuki) What the heck happened? Are you all right?

Yuki: I am fine. There is no need for alarm.

Kyon: You want to try again? What happened to Miss Suzumiya's arm?

Yuki: (pausing in thought for a few moments) Yes, that was surprising.

Kyon sits down, calming himself.

Yuki: My programming apparently does not factor in the possibility of being forcibly undressed in a non-violent scenario. Interesting.

Kyon: (a little exhausted) Your programming?

Yuki: I apologize. I will make the necessary adjustments immediately.

Kyon: I hope this doesn't become a routine thing.

Yuki: This?

Kyon: You know, an incident because of something you're wearing.

Yuki: Is there something troubling about my outfit?

Kyon: Well, aside from the glasses, no. I mean, I've seen you in a swimsuit, so that outfit isn't all that bad.

Yuki: What's the matter with my glasses?

Kyon: Well...

Yuki pulls out a knife and makes a quick slashing motion at him.

- Scene 4:

Kyon awakens in his bed.

Kyon: Whoa! What a weird dream.

- Scene 5:

In front of the school the next morning, Kyon notices Yuki is wearing her glasses, and starts to say something.

Kyon: Hey Nagato, what's with the...?

Yuki: Yes?

Kyon: It's nothing. Never mind.

- Scene 6:

Kyon goes to class and notices Haruhi wearing a bandage around her arm.

Kyon: Hey Suzumiya, what happened to your arm?

Haruhi: Oh, this? I tried to bathe my cat last night.

Kyon: And that happened?

Haruhi: Yeah. Incidentally, cats really hate water.


	7. The Koizumi Gambit a short play

The Koizumi Gambit - a short play in one act

The club room, late afternoon. Haruhi sits at the computer, as Kyon and Koizumi are sitting in front of a board game. Mikuru is preparing tea, and Yuki is sitting in the corner with a small book open near the start. Yuki is mostly watching the others, only turning pages after every thirty or so lines from the others. Koizumi is holding a small stack of papers in his lap.

Haruhi: All right. Everybody shut up and listen. Time for our first ever "How the Hell Do We Get Out of Here?" meeting.

Koizumi: I rather like being here.

Haruhi: Finally. A sensible statement. Thank you, Koizumi.

Koizumi: Just giving my honest opinion.

Kyon: Does your opinion help us get out of here?

Haruhi: (sighing) Okay, I really hate to admit this, but Kyon is right. What we need is a way to get past this. It's great if we can find fun things to do in here, but some of us actually have a life outside of this room.

Koizumi: Assuming there is anything outside of this room.

Haruhi: Well, let's have a look.

As Haruhi gets up to stand by the window, Mikuru hands her a cup of tea.

Haruhi: Thanks, Mikuru. (gesturing at the window) Exhibit A: The sky. I see nothing wrong with the sky. As you can clearly see, it's late afternoon. Possibly early evening.

Kyon: Or early morning.

Mikuru hands Kyon a cup of tea.

Kyon: Thanks.

Haruhi: Assuming time isn't jumping around on us, I think we can safely assume that it's early evening.

Haruhi takes a sip and sets the cup down on the table.

Haruhi: (to Koizumi) Wait. Was that right?

Koizumi: Huh? Oh, you mean the cup?

Haruhi: Yeah, I don't see what the big deal is with the tea.

Koizumi: The tea is just a prop, but it shows some of Miss Asahina's character. She only has three lines in this play.

Haruhi: Yeah, I thought Mikuru was going to be a bigger part.

Koizumi: I'm sorry, but I just couldn't come up with more.

Haruhi: Oh well. This is fine, I guess. Where was I?

Koizumi looks through his papers.

Yuki: At "I think we can safely assume that it's early evening."

Haruhi: Oh, right. And then I put down the tea.

Koizumi: Yeah.

Haruhi: Exhibit B: The grounds. You can't see it from back there, but I can clearly see people going past.

Kyon: People who apparently can't see or hear us.

Mikuru hands Koizumi a cup of tea.

Koizumi: Thank you.

Haruhi: We've been over this already. Some kind of barrier surrounds this room. That includes the windows.

Kyon: A barrier the same size and shape as this room?

Haruhi: Whatever it is, it prevents us from leaving or even signaling to anyone.

Koizumi: And even if we could, they might enter, but there's no guarantee they could leave again. And even if they could leave, that would not necessarily permit ourselves to leave along with them.

Haruhi sits at the computer again. Mikuru hands Yuki a cup of tea, then goes to sit at the end of the table.

Haruhi: Exhibit C: The computer. Once again, you can't see it from there, but the computer has no connection to the outside world. It just gives me errors.

Kyon: The work of the mysterious barrier again, apparently.

Haruhi: Okay. Clearly there's something going on here that defies ordinary explanation.

Kyon: (sarcastic) Oh, really?

Haruhi: That's enough sass from you, Kyon.

Kyon: Oh, come on. Isn't it obvious? I already told you. Clearly, this is some kind of... (sighing) What the hell is next part of that line?

Yuki: "Alternate space."

Kyon: Right. I'm sorry, but it's all just a jumble up here. This really isn't the kind of thing I would say, you know?

Koizumi: You aren't going to forget when we get to dress rehearsal, are you?

Kyon: No, I'll have it all memorized, it's just all this technical jargon. Thank goodness we have Miss Nagato on the prompt book.

Koizumi: You think that's bad, you should try some of my lines. I've got a "decompiling a binary application" line in this mess. You should know, after all. You helped me write this.

Kyon: I know, it's just a lot to try and memorize in three weeks.

Koizumi: This is nothing compared to what I did last year. Can we just get through this?

Kyon: Okay.

Koizumi: So, you're at "Come on. Isn't it obvious?"

Kyon: Come on. Isn't it obvious? I already told you. Clearly, this is some kind of alternate space. (gesturing appropriately) Maybe someone like a time-traveler would have trouble with this, but I think an esper or an alien could deal with this, no problem.

Haruhi: And do you really think I'm that stupid? You come on.

Kyon: Face it. You're the one who asked for aliens, espers, and time-travelers to come hang out with you. Well, now they have. Just accept it.

Haruhi folds her arms and scowls.

Haruhi: All right. Fine. Let's see... Hey Yuki, are you an alien?

Yuki: No.

Haruhi: Koizumi, are you an esper?

Koizumi: Of course not.

Haruhi: Mikuru, are you a time-traveler?

Mikuru: (laughing nervously) No. I'm not.

Haruhi: Well, there you go.

Kyon: And you believe them?

Haruhi: Why shouldn't I? It's your word against their's. I'd say you've been voted down, three-to-one.

Kyon: Democracy in action. Now, tell me what you think.

Haruhi: I... I think we need to think about what we're going to do about this barrier.

Kyon: And how do you propose to do that?

Koizumi: All right, guys. We aren't really getting anywhere like this. We just keep arguing, and we're going to go around and around in circles. It's completely futile.

Haruhi: Is it?

Koizumi: All we can really do is wait for the situation to resolve itself.

Kyon: And how long is that going to be?

Koizumi: What am I? Psychic?

Kyon: When it's convenient for you, yes.

Koizumi: (laughing) Well, I'm glad you know so much about me. Why don't you explain to Miss Suzumiya how exactly I'm somehow magically supposed to be able to get us out of this.

Kyon: Can you really deny that this situation is magical?

Koizumi: Obviously not.

Kyon: So, if this situation really is some mysterious unknown, then why are you advising us to do nothing? Wouldn't trying anything at least once be the obvious thing to do?

Koizumi: And what exactly would you propose to try?

Kyon: I'm not saying that I have the solution. I'm just saying doing anything is better than doing nothing.

Koizumi: Well, okay. You do have a point. I withdraw my suggestion.

Haruhi: We are going to try everything, but it might be helpful if we understood how we got here to begin with.

Kyon: (annoyed) We've been over this.

Haruhi: (irritated) Could we stop? Okay. I'm sorry, but I just don't get this line.

Koizumi: It's "Let's go over it again until we notice-"

Haruhi: I know that. I just don't understand why I suddenly want to go back and delve so soon after saying that we need to move on with the situation. It doesn't make any sense.

Koizumi: Look, there's a kind of ebb and flow to this. It doesn't make sense in your head because you're thinking about it too much, but to an audience it will work just fine. Trust me on this.

Haruhi: How the heck did you become the director in the first place? Shouldn't I be the director?

Koizumi: It doesn't matter who the director is. Okay, you could be the director if you want, but it is my script. Could we please just try it before we start improvising or switching roles around?

Haruhi: I still think we should have done a movie. You shoot it and you're done. Nothing to it.

Koizumi: (sighing) I'm not going to argue.

Haruhi: All right. I'll do it, but only because I love the ending.

Kyon: The ending sucks.

Haruhi: Oh, shut up.

Koizumi: Okay. Let's start at-

Haruhi: I know. (clears her throat) Well, then. Let's go over it again until we notice something we missed the first ten times around.

Kyon: Do whatever you want.

Haruhi: (snide) Thanks for giving me your permission. You know, last I checked, I was still the brigade chief.

Kyon: Some brigade.

Haruhi: What did you say?

Kyon: Oh, I know. You're going to tell me that our job is to find strange things and help people solve their interesting problems. What a load of crap!

Haruhi: God! What is your problem?

Kyon: I'm looking at it!

Koizumi: Now, now, guys. This isn't the time for this.

Kyon: You want strange things? You're sitting in a room filled with strange things. You're enclosed in a magical barrier from some unknown dimension with those strange things, and yet you still deny it!

Haruhi: I never said I denied anything! I just said I'm not stupid.

Kyon: What's the difference?

Haruhi: Try cleaning out your ears! There's a world of difference!

Koizumi: All right, all right! Let's just calm down and admit that we have our differences in perspective. Some of us take a pragmatic point of view and some of us like to exercise a more open-minded point of view. It doesn't mean that either one of you are wrong.

Haruhi: So, are you admitting that you're an esper?

Koizumi: Maybe I am. Okay, let's just say for the sake of argument that I am. What do you expect me to do? Bend some spoons?

Haruhi: No, but maybe you could use your clairvoyance to find a way out.

Koizumi: Sorry, but even if I did find out why the barrier exists, that wouldn't necessarily mean I would know a way out.

Haruhi: But if you did have clairvoyance, what would it be telling you? Can you even imagine?

Koizumi: I really doubt clairvoyance works in such a convenient way. Assuming such a thing does exist.

Kyon: If it did exist, then how would it work?

Koizumi: (a little annoyed) If it did, I wouldn't be in this situation in the first place!

Kyon: Unless you deliberately created this situation.

Koizumi: Oh? And how do we know that you didn't create this situation?

Haruhi: All right. Everybody shut up. I can see we aren't really getting anywhere.

Kyon: What's going on is that Koizumi is being stubborn.

Koizumi: I'm just being honest. Not stubborn.

Haruhi: I said, shut up! All right. This is a situation that clearly demands a strong leader. So, here's what we're going to do: First I'm going to lay down some rules. These rules are not to be violated no matter what. You got it, Kyon?

Kyon: Me?

Haruhi: You got it?

Kyon: Okay. Whatever.

Haruhi: All right. Rule #1: No more criticizing the brigade.

Kyon: But-

Haruhi: I mean it, Kyon. I won't put up with it! Don't make me... punish you...

Haruhi breaks down laughing.

Haruhi: Oh my God! I'm sorry, but that line is hilarious.

Kyon sighs and rubs his eyes with his palms.

Koizumi: Are you done?

Kyon: Hey Koizumi, since we stopped, I've been wondering how you came up with this idea in the first place.

Koizumi: Huh? Didn't I tell you?

Kyon: Tell me what?

Koizumi: Must have been a dream. I've been having those weird dreams again. You know, where I explain things to people.

Kyon: I get those myself sometimes.

Koizumi: What happened is that Miss Suzumiya gave me her outline for the movie she wanted, since I insisted.

Haruhi: I spent a week on that, by the way. And thanks for tossing it all out.

Koizumi: She wanted us to do some modernized rip-off of Taming of the Shrew.

Haruhi: I put a lot of work into that idea.

Koizumi: And it would have made a fine movie. However, I think this is more along the lines of what people want.

Haruhi: I do have to admit, it was a lot more clever than my idea. Damn it.

Koizumi: Great. Now, can we get through this? I'm sure you know-

Haruhi: Yeah, yeah. (to Kyon) Don't make me punish you again.

Kyon: Fine.

Haruhi: Rule #2: No more arguing about what could be. I want to see results, not possibilities. Rule #3: No more suggestions. I want nothing short of promises. When you say you're going to do it, you better do it or else.

Koizumi: Very sensible.

Kyon: You're a fine one to talk.

Haruhi: Rule #4: Nothing goes in or out of this room without my permission.

Kyon: What is this? A comedy routine? We can't go in and out to begin with.

Haruhi: I'm thinking ahead, Kyon. Being stuck here might not be the only problem.

Kyon: Right.

Haruhi: Rule #5: All solutions must be approved by me. No exceptions. Any questions?

Kyon: Yes. Is this set of rules going to apply even after we get out of this room?

Haruhi: Okay. Rule #6: These rules are eternal, but only apply to this room.

Kyon: That's fine. I think I can live with that.

Koizumi: At the risk of breaking rule #3, I'd like to propose another rule.

Haruhi: I guess I should clarify. Rule #3 only applies to immediate life-or-death situations. This set of rules is a necessary measure, but I wouldn't go so far as to say mortally important.

Kyon: So, feel free not to follow the rules?

Haruhi: Kyon...

Kyon: I didn't criticize the brigade. Just the rules.

Haruhi: What was your proposal, Koizumi?

Koizumi: Well, as a way to satisfy Kyon's criticism, I suggest that you make rule #7: Always be cheerful and helpful to your fellow brigade members. That should also clarify the purpose of these rules.

Haruhi: An excellent suggestion. Then it's settled. Those are the rules of the SOS Brigade. And, if anyone doesn't like it, they can leave.

Kyon: Okay. See ya!

Kyon gets up and walks out, and everyone laughs.

Koizumi: You're a funny guy, Kyon. Now, get back in here and do the line right.

Kyon comes back and sits down, sighing.

Kyon: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can't believe how maudlin this line is. Let me think...

Yuki: "In that case..."

Kyon: In that case, I leave. Oh wait, I can't! Because we're still stuck in a freaking magic box that we have no idea why it exists in the first place!

Haruhi: Do you really want to leave, Kyon?

Kyon: ...

Haruhi: Because, honestly, this may be a troubling situation to you. But, to me, this is a miracle! I mean, wow! I can't believe that we're actually in the grasp of supernatural forces! Why can't you stop and appreciate that for a moment? That's the kind of thing this brigade was made for!

Kyon: Yeah. I guess you're right.

Haruhi: Of course, I am! And just think about all that time we've wasted on one stupid thing after another, after another... Finally! It all pays off! You think I give a damn about aliens, or espers, or even time-travelers? Open your eyes, man!

Haruhi gestures at the window.

Haruhi: There really are more things in Heaven and Earth than are dreamt of in our philosophy!

Kyon: Okay. You're right. This is a terrific situation. It's great. I'm sure we all feel a little more special for having experienced it, and I'm even willing to follow your rules. Meanwhile, that doesn't change the fact that we can't go anywhere. Or am I wrong about that?

Kyon gets up and tries to leave.

Kyon: I'd feel really stupid if I could just leave, right now.

Kyon mimes an invisible barrier where the door opens.

Kyon: Well, so much for that. Still stuck in here.

Kyon goes and sits again, as Mikuru gets up and goes to the door. Mikuru mimes an invisible barrier in the same place, then sighs.

Kyon: I told you, didn't I?

They wait for several moments, while no one says a word.

Mikuru: Oh my God! I'm sorry. I forgot, I have a line here!

The others laugh, while Mikuru blushes and covers her face.

Mikuru: Could we do that over?

Koizumi: Sure. Kyon?

Kyon: (mechanically) I told you, didn't I?

Mikuru: Sorry, I just had to be sure.

Haruhi: You don't trust Kyon to be completely honest about that?

Mikuru: Well, I... Oh my...

Haruhi: (chuckling) Isn't that revealing, Kyon?

Kyon: I think we all need to bear in mind rule #7, here.

Koizumi: (laughing) Now, aren't you glad I thought of that rule?

Kyon: Yes, I am.

Haruhi: (annoyed) Okay, we'll all be friends here. I won't mess with you guys, but let's get serious about the situation.

Kyon: Okay.

Haruhi: ...

Kyon: Nothing?

Haruhi: I'm thinking. Give me a minute.

Kyon: Well, while you're thinking, let's review a few things.

Haruhi: Any particular reason?

Kyon: I think it's important to clear the air, since we're all in a serious situation. Not to mention, if we're going to really be friendly with each other, it's important that we not have any unresolved issues.

Haruhi: Fine, so long as you don't break rule #2.

Kyon: I had no intention of doing so.

Haruhi: All right, let's hear you out.

Kyon takes a deep breath, lets it out slowly, then starts.

Kyon: Since Koizumi and I have been arguing for the past hour, I think it's time to turn my attention elsewhere. I know Miss Nagato is not going to argue with me, and frankly a lot of what she told me is way over my head. Her being an alien conveniently makes it impossible for me to dispute anything she says. All I have to go on is her word and what Miss Asahina has informed me is her "spell casting" abilities. I have no idea what that means, but I'm going to trust that Miss Nagato only does that sort of thing for our benefit.

Haruhi: Spell casting?

Kyon: For example, at the baseball tournament.

Koizumi: Is this really necessary?

Kyon: Are you ready to admit being an esper?

Koizumi: (laughing) This is dangerously close to violating rule #7.

Kyon: I'm just asking an innocent question. (smiling) See, I'm even being cheerful.

Koizumi: Okay, then. You win. I'm an esper. So, what?

Kyon: So, thanks for that admission. To continue...

Koizumi: As I said, we don't really need to go into all that. Suffice it to say that the baseball game was rigged.

Kyon: By a bat that was somehow put in "homing" mode, whatever that's supposed to be.

Koizumi: At your own suggestion, I might add.

Kyon: (chuckling) I was just about to say that, myself.

Haruhi: (to Koizumi) So, all this time you were an esper and you never told me.

Koizumi: Okay, look. I knew you were going to be this way. That's why I never said anything.

Haruhi: What way? Upset? Frustrated? Infuriated?

Koizumi: Rule #7...

Haruhi: Screw the rules! Who the hell do you think you are?

Koizumi: Whoa! Now, let's calm down and think about this.

Haruhi: What's to think about? You're all a bunch of damn liars! You had me believe that Kyon was just being stupid. What was this? Just a game to you? You like making me look stupid?

Koizumi: Well, since you like being a bitch about it, how about yes? Yeah, it was loads of fun making you look stupid. How is that? Happy, now?

Kyon: Hey-

Haruhi: You bastard! I'm a bitch? Oh, now you show your true colors.

Koizumi: Yeah. You think I enjoy being your toady? You think I actually enjoy licking your boots? I risk my life almost everyday to keep us safe, and you act like a spoiled brat! You ask me who the hell I am? I say, who the hell are you?

Haruhi: You...

Kyon: So much for the rules.

Haruhi: You are way too into this, Koizumi.

Koizumi: I'm sorry, but this is brutal for me. I can't believe I'm the one who wrote all this.

Haruhi: I'll bet.

Kyon: Let me ask you something, Miss Suzumiya. (to Koizumi) I know you just want to get it over with, but I'm really curious.

Haruhi: What is it, Kyon? This isn't my favorite part, either.

Kyon: I just have to know. Did you really not realize? I mean about the baseball game and everything?

Haruhi: (frowns and thinks for a moment) No comment.

Kyon: (laughing) I'll take that as a... maybe.

Koizumi: Somebody kill me.

Haruhi: That could be arranged.

Koizumi: Where did we leave off?

Yuki: At "You're the one who's being stupid."

Koizumi takes a deep sigh and continues.

Koizumi: (to Haruhi) You're the one who's being stupid. You go on and on about being a super sleuth, but then you overlook obvious things like that baseball game. You never once notice the many times Miss Asahina slips up and says stuff like "this timeframe." You honestly didn't see Miss Nagato decompiling a binary application in real-time and then recompiling it with no apparent interruption in our gameplay? You think any of us can make a cat talk?

Haruhi: (very serious) Yeah, you're right... I am stupid. I just overlooked all that in my pride and selfishness. I didn't want to believe I could ever lose. I didn't want to believe that Kyon was right.

Kyon: Great. Now, can we leave?

Haruhi: How the hell can you ask that? Weren't you listening?

Kyon: What?

Haruhi: Koizumi just takes a crap on everything I believed for the past year and you blow it off? Don't give me that! I'm literally trembling with anger. Look my hands!

Kyon: It's your own fault for not believing me.

Haruhi: Yeah! Sure! It's all my fault! Every damn thing in this room is my fault! Meanwhile, I've got esper-boy calling me a bitch and who knows what Mikuru and Yuki do in their spare time! Does Yuki even understand the concept of spare time?

Kyon: She does read a lot.

Haruhi: How can you be so calm about all that?

Kyon: (sighing) I guess I'm just used to it.

Haruhi: How the hell do you know all that and not me? Why? What do you have that I don't? Are you supposed to be special or something?

Kyon: Okay, maybe we can really clear the air here.

Haruhi: That would be great. I'd love to know what the hell is going on.

Kyon: To put it briefly, Miss Nagato told me she's an alien. Some Data Overmind thing is studying you to better understand evolution or whatever. Miss Asahina pulls me aside one day and admits to being a time-traveler. I ask her about it, and she does nothing but say, "That's classified." I can't get anything from her except something about a time rift preventing people from going further into the past. Then I meet Koizumi.

Koizumi: If I may be permitted... I explained to Kyon that my powers do not exhibit themselves except in particular closed spaces. For example, the closed space we are in at this moment does not permit me to use my powers. If it did, this situation would never have arisen.

Haruhi: And no one told me because...?

Koizumi: We don't know what to expect from you. We don't even know how it is that you accomplish things like making cherry blossoms appear in autumn or making a logo that triggers a flood of data over the internet resulting in a missing person. If informing you of all that would have solved anything, we'd have tried it months ago. We also knew that you'd react this way, all the more so because so much time had passed. So, as time went by, it got harder and harder to admit the truth.

Haruhi: What a load of...

Koizumi: I apologize for the insulting things I said. I know it's difficult, but please try to understand that no ill intentions were even once directed at you.

Haruhi: Maybe so, but you're still an asshole. I won't just forgive you because you say you're sorry. This isn't something you can fix with an apology.

Kyon: Miss Suzumiya, I know how you feel. Trust me. So go ahead and beat the crap out of Koizumi.

The others laugh while Koizumi looks annoyed.

Koizumi: God!

Haruhi: Say the line correctly, Kyon. We all want to just get this part over with.

Kyon: Okay. I know. Sorry.

Kyon clears his throat and starts again.

Kyon: I know how you feel. Trust me. But there's no point in holding a grudge with Koizumi.

Haruhi: Shut up! I can hate anyone I want. Don't tell me who to forgive and who not to forgive.

Kyon: Well, okay. Then you'll just have to be stuck here forever being a bitch.

Haruhi: How would you-?

Kyon: Oh, shut up! Isn't it obvious, Miss Super Sleuth? The real reason we're stuck here is because of you.

Koizumi: I think Kyon may be right. I had begun to suspect that we were boxed in here because you were afraid of people leaving. If you weren't afraid of the SOS Brigade breaking up, you wouldn't have created this closed space.

Haruhi: Give me a break.

Koizumi: It's true. Yeah, now that I think about it, this is all because you already knew that we hadn't cleared the air. You realized we weren't telling the truth and you were afraid it would separate us. The only one who was really lying here was you.

Haruhi: All right! I admit it. I just went along because I didn't want you to leave. I didn't want to have some big dramatic confrontation. I didn't want to hurl insults or have to deal with some mushy apologies.

Kyon: Okay, so now can we leave?

Haruhi: Yeah. You can go. I guess you won't want to stay in SOS Brigade, now that I revealed how I already knew your big stupid secrets that were so freaking obvious in the first place!

Mikuru and Koizumi exit.

Kyon: I'm sorry I called you out like that. I really tried to give you a graceful way to reveal all that.

Haruhi: I know. I'm just so mad that they never came to me and just admitted it. It kind of seemed like they really expected me to be that stupid. Like I really was blinded by my pride or my selfishness. How insulting is that? Can you imagine how that made me feel?

Kyon: (sighing) Sorry. I feel like I'm partly to blame.

Haruhi: You? Why?

Kyon: I should have found a way to invite them to confess more gracefully. It seems pretty obvious, in retrospect.

Haruhi: It's probably better this way.

Kyon: Well, at least Miss Nagato is still here.

Haruhi: Is this the end of the SOS Brigade?

Kyon: Maybe, but I have a feeling the others will be back.

Haruhi: What makes you say that?

Kyon: They still haven't figured me out, yet.

Haruhi: (smiling) Yeah, right!

Kyon: Is this really the ending? Jeez. I look like such an ass here.

Koizumi comes back into the room, smiling.

Koizumi: But it fits you so perfectly.

Kyon: No way! I would never say anything like that.


	8. The Unicorn Incident

The Unicorn Incident

- Scene 1:

Kyon is at home in his room, on the phone.

Kyon: Hey, it's me. ... I know this is out of the blue, but I got this extra ticket to a theme park. So far, it's just me and my little sister. ... You want to come along? ... Okay, that's fine. ... No, I understand. ... See ya.

He starts punching in another number.

Kyon: Hi, it's me. ... Are you free today? ... Oh, okay. Sorry. ... I just had an extra ticket for a theme park visit. ... No, that's okay. I'll just try someone else. ... I'm really sorry. I'll let you go.

He mutters while punching in another number.

Kyon: So much for that idea. ... Do I really want to spend the day with this guy? ... Oh, hey Taniguchi. What's up? ... Really? ... (chuckling) That's great. ... Yeah. ... (laughing) Oh man, that's hilarious! ... No, you were right. I think so, too. ... Oh, I was just calling to see if you were free today. I've got this extra ticket for a theme park visit but I guess it's going to go to waste. ... Yeah, it's only good for today. ... Yeah, I know. See you later.

He stops and thinks for a moment.

Kyon: Does she even have a phone?

Little sister steps into the room for a moment.

Sister: Are we going?

Kyon: Yeah, you get ready. I'm just seeing if I can find a friend to join us.

Kyon punches in another number as little sister leaves again.

Kyon: (sighing) I'm gonna regret this. ... Hey. ... Just seeing if you were busy. ... No, I just happened to have an extra ticket for a theme park. ... No, it's okay. You don't have to come, I was just seeing... Okay, well that's great. I'll see you by the station. ... Bye.

He stops and thinks for a moment.

Kyon: I probably should have told her about... It'll be fine.

- Scene 2:

Kyon and his little sister are on the train with Haruhi.

Kyon: I told you I had plans for today.

Haruhi: You didn't say anything about a theme park.

Kyon: Well, I didn't expect Kunikida to suddenly have to bail on me. I didn't want you to get excited over nothing.

Haruhi: What I mean is that you're ditching the SOS Brigade for a theme park.

Kyon: Yeah, and so are you.

Haruhi: (sighing) I didn't want to. Everybody just suddenly had things to do.

Kyon: I know. I called them. Everyone except Miss Nagato, anyway.

Haruhi: You called everyone before calling me?

Kyon: Yeah. What? Is that so surprising?

Haruhi: How the heck did you even get tickets to begin with?

Kyon: Well, it was just going to be me, Mom, and little sister, but Mom found out she had this thing...

Haruhi: Right.

Kyon: It sucks, and we really didn't want to disappoint little sister, so...

Haruhi: Sorry you couldn't find a better friend.

Kyon: ...

- Scene 3:

At the theme park. Kyon and Haruhi are standing at a kiosk. Little sister is running around nearby. Kyon is gesturing at a map.

Kyon: You sure you want to hit up the big rides, first?

Haruhi: Oh yeah! You gotta do those first. If you wait till after lunch, you'll just be spewing chunks.

Kyon: I'm not going on that one, though. I'd die!

Haruhi: So get on something else. I'll look after little sister, and we can meet up in the food court.

Kyon: No, I'll go with you guys. Just don't expect me to enjoy it.

Haruhi: Is there anything you do enjoy?

Kyon: Let's not start that.

Haruhi: Hey, you're the one being all mopey. I'm just saying. We're in a theme park! Have some damn fun, already!

- Scene 4:

A food court around noon. Kyon is sitting at a table, nursing a drink. Haruhi and little sister appear, talking excitedly.

Haruhi: You missed a hell of a ride, Kyon.

Kyon: I know. I just saw the line and thought, screw it. I'm going to lunch. Three big rides is enough for me.

Haruhi: God! Why is it so hot?

Kyon: Weird, huh? I guess it's the middle of a heat wave.

Haruhi: I better get a cold drink.

- Scene 5:

A section just off the nearby bumper cars, slides, a small haunted house, and a merry-go-round. Kyon stands at the exit area while Haruhi and little sister are riding the merry-go-round. Kyon waves and laughs as they go by. A minute later, Haruhi and little sister get off the ride.

Haruhi: What were you laughing about?

Kyon: I just thought it was funny. You know, you riding on the back of a unicorn. What are you, ten?

Haruhi: So, now we can't have fun with slow rides either?

Kyon: No, I just thought you seem a little old for that, but you know. Whatever.

Haruhi: You're never happy, are you? Well, I may not be ten but I still have my panache.

Kyon: Panache?

Haruhi: I know. It's an alien concept for you, right?

Kyon: No, I'm just having trouble picturing you with panache.

Haruhi: What's to picture? You're looking right at it. Idiot.

- Scene 6:

Late afternoon. Kyon waves to Haruhi and little sister as they go by on a fake pirate ship through an artificial river.

- Scene 7:

Early evening. Kyon and little sister are walking ahead of Haruhi, as they pass by an ordinary park.

Haruhi: Could we stop for a moment? My feet are killing me.

Haruhi sits at a nearby bench.

Kyon: I was wondering when you'd finally let up.

Haruhi: I can't keep up.

Kyon: There was like a thousand of these benches all over the theme park.

Haruhi: Yeah, but you know how it is. You just don't want to stop for a moment, right?

Kyon: I guess not.

Sister: Sorry. Big brother's a real sour puss, huh?

Haruhi: You got that right.

Haruhi closes her eyes, and a moment later, a goat-like creature appears out of the park.

Sister: Hey Kyon, look. It's a unicorn.

Kyon: Huh? (turns and looks) What the...?

The creature trots right up to Haruhi, brushing its beard against her arm.

Haruhi scratches her arm, then slowly opens her eyes.

Haruhi: A unicorn?

For several long moments, they stare at the one-horned beast in amazement. Haruhi reaches out and pets its head.

Haruhi: You've gotta be kidding me? Am I dreaming?

The beast pulls away from her sharply, then glances at her with a look of profound self-confidence. It then darts away back into the park.

Haruhi: That really was a unicorn, right?

Sister: (softly) Yeah.

Kyon: ...

Haruhi: I'm not crazy, am I?

Sister: (chuckling) No.

Haruhi gets up quickly and looks around, then looks back at Kyon with tears streaming down her face.

Haruhi: Hey Kyon! A unicorn! A unicorn!

Kyon: I know. I saw it.

Haruhi: Oh my God!

- Scene 8:

At class the next day, Haruhi is sitting at her desk. Kyon appears and greets her.

Kyon: You seem cheerful today.

Haruhi: Why shouldn't I be?

Kyon: Is this about that creature we saw yesterday?

Haruhi: So I really wasn't dreaming?

Kyon: Well, I wouldn't get too excited about it. Things like that probably happen all the time.

Haruhi: What are you talking about? (softly) It was a freaking unicorn!

Kyon: Yeah, it definitely was a goat-like creature with one horn.

Haruhi: And a lion's tail. Don't tell me you missed that.

Kyon: And cloven hooves, yeah. That doesn't necessarily mean it was some mythical creature.

Haruhi: Jeez, you live to ruin my fun, you know.

Kyon: All I'm saying is that it might have just been some genetic mutation. Nothing magical about that.

Haruhi: Did you see the way he looked at me?

Kyon: (sighing) Yeah.

Haruhi: You're not spoiling this for me. I know what I saw.

Kyon: Well, you're probably right.

Haruhi: I am?

Kyon: I did see it, too. And little sister. It's hard to argue with your own eyes.

Haruhi: That's right. Don't fight it. Just accept it. What we saw was a miracle.

Kyon: You'll get no argument from me.

Haruhi: Good.

Kyon: Good.

Haruhi: ...

- Scene 9:

Later, between classes, Yuki appears and beckons for Kyon. They talk in the hallway.

Kyon: Hey, Miss Nagato. Is something up?

Yuki: Did something happen last night?

Kyon: Nothing special. Why?

Yuki: There has been a complete breakdown in the flow of data since last night.

Kyon: What? You mean, from Miss Suzumiya?

Yuki: Yes. Everything is at a standstill.

Kyon: That is weird.

Yuki: I repeat, is there anything you can tell me?

Kyon: No, I can't think of anything.

Haruhi appears at the door.

Haruhi: Oh, hey Yuki. Hey Kyon, what's up?

Kyon: (to Haruhi) Nothing.

Yuki walks away.

Haruhi: What was that about?

Kyon: I really have no idea.

- Scene 10:

During lunch, Mikuru appears and beckons for Kyon. Kyon goes with her to the hallway.

Kyon: What's up, Miss Asahina? You look upset.

Mikuru: (strained) What is going on?

Kyon: Huh?

Mikuru: (softly) Since this morning I can't get a signal or do anything! It's like everything has stopped working!

Kyon: Are we talking about...?

Mikuru: (softly) Yes! I think I'm stuck here in the past!

Taniguchi appears at the door.

Taniguchi: Hey Kyon, what's going on? Having a fight with your girlfriend?

Kyon: (sighing) Miss Asahina is not my girlfriend. We just know each other from the SOS Brigade.

Taniguchi: Oh, right.

Kyon: It's nothing. (to Mikuru) I really have no idea what's going on, okay?

Taniguchi: Well, you better get back or you'll miss out.

Kyon: What? What's going on?

Taniguchi: Miss Suzumiya. She's got a small gathering building.

Kyon: Really?

Kyon goes back in and notices Haruhi chatting with a few of the other girls in class, as if it were nothing.

Kyon: Wow, you're right. That is weird.

- Scene 11:

Later that afternoon, outside the club room in the hallway, Kyon notices Koizumi approaching.

Koizumi: Hey, Kyon. Sorry about yesterday. I was really busy.

Kyon: That's fine. It all worked out.

Koizumi: So, who did you end up taking?

Kyon: I went with Miss Suzumiya.

Koizumi: Oh? (thinks for a moment) Oh, so that's why things have gotten so quiet.

Kyon: What are you talking about?

Koizumi: Well, normally there's... I really shouldn't talk about it, but let's just say that things have gotten weirdly quiet since last night. You didn't... you know?

Kyon: Nothing happened last night.

Koizumi: Are you sure? Well, if you say so.

- Scene 12:

Koizumi and Kyon enter the club room. Haruhi is sitting near the edge of the table where the computer used to be. Yuki and Mikuru are sitting nearby. Mikuru appears a little distraught.

Haruhi: Hey guys! All right, the gang's all here.

Kyon: What happened to the computer?

Haruhi: I gave it back to the computer club. It is their computer, after all.

Kyon: Really?

Haruhi: In any case, I've decided to dissolve the brigade. I just wanted to let you guys know, personally.

Koizumi: Well now. Isn't this interesting? And what brought on this sudden decision?

Haruhi: I had a revelation last night. I witnessed a miracle, and I realized that I no longer needed to keep looking for strange and interesting things. Sorry for being so selfish, but this was the reason I created the brigade.

Koizumi: A miracle? What was it, if you don't mind me asking?

Haruhi: Oh no. I'm not telling you guys. You'd just try to ruin it for me, I know.

Mikuru: We wouldn't do that.

Kyon: Really? And why not?

Mikuru: Well, because...

Koizumi: (laughing) Oh, I see. So, this is the end, huh? Well, it's been fun.

Haruhi: If you want to know, you're going to have to ask Kyon. I don't really trust myself to describe it right. It was just a beautiful, magical encounter that you could only ever hope to see once in your life.

Mikuru: (to Kyon) What happened? I have to know.

Kyon: It was... I'm sorry, but you really had to be there to understand.

Haruhi: Yeah, just forget about it. You guys would never understand.


	9. Urges part 1

Urges

- Scene 1:

Early morning at a coffee shop. Kyon and Koizumi are sitting at a table.

Koizumi: Don't you think it's a little strange?

Kyon: Not really. We were early. As long as she beats Miss Asahina here, she won't even get the penalty.

Koizumi: Penalty. (chuckling) That's funny.

Kyon: Something could have come up, too. Wouldn't be the first time.

Koizumi: That's true.

Kyon: Anyway, I don't think this is the strangest thing Miss Suzumiya has been up to, even if she is late.

Koizumi: Yeah, you're right. I guess I tend to focus on the little things.

Kyon: So, shouldn't we leave? I don't think there's going to be a meeting, at this rate.

Koizumi: (looking at his watch) I'd give her another five minutes.

Kyon: What I want to know is what's holding up Miss Asahina.

Koizumi: Who knows? I could care less.

Kyon: You don't like Miss Asahina very much, do you?

Koizumi: Can't say I do, really.

Kyon: Okay, I can't just let that slide. What the hell is wrong with you?

Koizumi: What?

Kyon: How could any man not like Miss Asahina? What? Are you gay?

Koizumi: No. I just don't put looks ahead of personality. That's all.

Kyon: Are you saying you don't like her personality?

Koizumi: Yeah, that's exactly what I'm saying.

Kyon: (shaking his head) That... There's something wrong with you, I think.

Koizumi: Look. Maybe it's not my place to say, but I find a few things troubling about her. That's all.

Kyon: Like what?

Koizumi: Well... For example, she does trash-talk about me behind my back, right?

Kyon: Yeah. How would you know about that?

Koizumi: I just kind of figured as much. She strikes me as the type to do that.

Kyon: Well, you do have a point there, but I think she's charming.

Koizumi: Yes, I know.

Kyon: And I do mostly agree with what she says about you.

Koizumi: (laughing) Ouch. Well, I guess we have an impasse.

Kyon: So, you don't like me either?

Koizumi: I wouldn't go so far as to say dislike, but I don't really feel that compulsion to get along with you that three out of four of your peers seem to exhibit.

Kyon: Is that something Miss Nagato told you?

Koizumi: Yeah. How did you know?

Kyon: That sounded like something she would say.

Koizumi: Oh. (muttering) I really should stop being so predictably honest.

Kyon: Well, it is just the two of us.

Koizumi: Okay. In that case, what's going on with Miss Suzumiya?

Kyon: Aside from everything we've already talked about?

Koizumi: I mean, between you two. I haven't been hearing much, lately.

Kyon: I'm kind of glad you asked. She's been acting really weird.

Koizumi: In what way?

Kyon: Well... (thinks for a moment) You think she might really like me?

Koizumi: (laughing) You're kidding, right?

Kyon: Please. This is serious.

Koizumi: I just couldn't believe you'd ask me that. I mean, you must be pretty oblivious not to realize the answer to that.

Kyon: You want to answer my question?

Koizumi: I think you should already know the answer. If you can't figure it out, then I've lost a lot of respect for you.

Kyon: Well, okay. Yeah. I'm not a complete blockhead. I get it that there's something going on, but I have no idea what it is, exactly.

Koizumi: Maybe you should fill me in on the details.

Kyon: Yeah, maybe I should. (collects himself for a moment) The other day in class, I just have my head on my desk cause I'm really tired.

Koizumi: Right.

Kyon: But I can't really sleep because there's a lot going on in my head at that moment, but you can kind of understand why someone would think I was asleep.

Koizumi: I see where this is going. Miss Suzumiya did something to you while you appeared to be asleep?

Kyon: Yeah. She started petting my head.

Koizumi breaks out laughing.

Kyon: Like I'm some kind of dog. I was so petrified, I couldn't move. I mean, isn't this kind of behavior the thing you might expect from a deranged serial killer?

Koizumi: I don't think I'd call my mother a deranged serial killer.

Kyon: Miss Suzumiya's your mother?

Koizumi: Don't be like that.

Kyon: I'm just kidding. I know what you're saying, but my mother only petted me like that when I was five. At the oldest. Doesn't it strike you as a little weird for an adult to get that treatment?

Koizumi: An adult?

Kyon: Okay, a teenager.

Koizumi: Yeah, that is weird, but not really unexpected.

Kyon: I find it disturbing. I mean, fine. If she likes me, that's great. But what's going to happen next time I fall asleep? Is she suddenly going to try to kiss me?

Koizumi: You might like getting kissed by a girl like that.

Kyon: Not while I'm asleep, I wouldn't.

Koizumi: Yeah. Well, all this just raises the question: What do you think? I mean, about the fact that Miss Suzumiya obviously likes you?

Kyon: It's great, of course. I don't have a problem with her liking me. I just think she's being creepy.

Koizumi: And do you like her?

Kyon: (laughing) Oh, hell no.

Koizumi: You don't? Why not? What's wrong with her?

Kyon: (sighing) Have you eyes? Have you seen how she treats me? How she talks to me?

Koizumi: Yes, I have.

Kyon: It'd be one thing if she liked me and just confessed to it, but she apparently likes me and hates herself because of it. And the really twisted thing is she takes it out on me.

Koizumi: You sure about that?

Kyon: Not really. But this is all I can figure.

Koizumi: Well, that would be one way to look at it. Another way to look at it would be that she's simply shy.

Kyon: Shy?

Koizumi: (scowling) This really isn't something I feel comfortable talking about.

Kyon: You brought it up.

Koizumi: Yeah, and now I'm regretting it.

They pause in silence for a few moments.

Koizumi: Well, I guess it's about time to...

Haruhi appears a moment later.

Koizumi: Oh, hello. We were just about to leave.

Haruhi: Yeah, I know.

Kyon: Wait, have you been listening?

Haruhi: Yes, I have.

Kyon: For how long?

Haruhi: The whole time. I was sitting at this table here behind you.

Koizumi: Oh boy...

Koizumi gets up.

Koizumi: I think I'd better leave you two alone.

Haruhi: What? It's just starting to get interesting.

Kyon: Something on your mind?

Haruhi goes to sit across from Kyon.

Haruhi: So, you don't like me?

Kyon: Isn't that what I said?

Haruhi: So, Mikuru isn't the only one trash-talking behind people's backs.

Kyon: I wasn't trash-talking you. I was just being completely honest.

Haruhi: You honestly don't like me?

Kyon: That's right.

Haruhi: You don't like me at all?

Kyon: Okay, maybe I exaggerated a bit. It's just that every time I say or do something nice to you, you beat me up for it. Or you look at me like that. Yeah, that's the expression.

Haruhi: (scowling) Of course I beat you up over your stupid, boring ideas. That's only natural. That doesn't mean I don't like you.

Kyon: Do you like me?

Haruhi: Don't you already know?

Kyon: I just want to hear you admit it.

Haruhi: Why would you want to hear me admit it if you should already know?

Kyon: (laughing) Why is it so hard to admit if you really do like me?

Haruhi: ...

Kyon: (serious) Or are you just playing with me? Do you really like me?

Haruhi: You really piss me off, is what you do. I try to be nice to you and you beat me up over it.

Kyon: Maybe Koizumi is wrong about you.

Haruhi: (angry) That's right! Just deny it! I'm trying to tell you I'm in love with you, you damn idiot!

Kyon thoughtfully gapes at her.

Haruhi: (softly) Oh my God! I'm acting like a total tsundere.

Kyon: How long has this been going on?

Haruhi: You must really think I'm creepy, now.

Kyon: Well, let's hold on here a second. Maybe Koizumi was right about you.

Haruhi: About what?

Kyon: I mean, about you being shy.

Haruhi: (snide) You think?

Kyon: It just seemed so weird and contrary.

Haruhi: Okay, why is that hard to believe?

Kyon: I don't generally think of people as shy when they can sing lead vocals in a band on short notice or wear a bunny costume at school, handing out fliers.

Haruhi: Just because I can cosplay or perform a little song doesn't mean I'm not shy. You have a really weird way of judging people.

Kyon: Most shy people can't do those things.

Haruhi: Yeah, well. Most shy people aren't me, either. More to the point, I don't think most shy people were raised by die-hard otaku parents.

Kyon: Oh, so you mean all that stuff just comes naturally?

Haruhi: I think it may be in my blood.

Kyon: But you can see how it would have me confused.

Haruhi: (sighing) I'm really sorry I petted your head like that the other day. I don't know what came over me. I just lose control sometimes.

Kyon: Okay.

Haruhi: Incidentally, what exactly are you looking for in a girlfriend?

Kyon: I think-

Haruhi: And don't say Mikuru.

Kyon: I was about to say that I would just like to go out on a normal date with a normal girl. Is that too much to ask?

Haruhi: I knew you were going to say that.

Kyon: Well, do you?

Haruhi: What?

Kyon: Want to go out?

Haruhi: Just hang out with you?

Kyon: Yeah.

Haruhi: But that's just boring.

Kyon: So?

Haruhi: I really can't control myself when I'm with you. This is why I always scold you when you say things like this.

Kyon: (smoothly) You hate yourself and you punish me for it.

Haruhi: No.

Kyon: Well, how else do you explain it?

Haruhi: I'm attracted to you and I punish myself for it.

Kyon: ...

Haruhi: You are such a jerk. How can you just sit there when a girl confesses to you like that?

Kyon: That wasn't really the kind of confession I was hoping for.

Haruhi: Well, tough. What are you going to do about it?

Kyon: I think I made my solution pretty clear. If you want me to like you, try doing things a normal girl would do. Or do you dislike it when a guy asks you out on a date?

Haruhi: (sighing) I guess it's okay. I'm just conflicted, that's all.

Kyon: What for? Just because you go out with a guy doesn't mean he needs to be an alien. You can have romance and sci-fi in the same story, you know.

Haruhi: Okay. I'll do it. But just remember, whatever happens is your responsibility.

Kyon: Like when you petted my head?

Haruhi: Give me a break. I said I was sorry.

Kyon: All right. I'll be as nice as I can. And I promise to be thoughtful and considerate no matter what you say.

Haruhi: Fine.

Kyon: So, how about lunch today?

Haruhi: We're already having breakfast. Doesn't this count?

Kyon: I think we need a bit of a restart.

Haruhi: That's fine with me, but I'd like to go see a movie.

Kyon: Which one?

Haruhi: Anything, as long as it's interesting.

- Scene 2:

A nearby park. Haruhi and Kyon are walking down a sidewalk.

Kyon: You find something you wanted to see?

Haruhi: No. Man, there's nothing but crappy sequels right now.

Kyon: A sequel could work, I think. As long as it's still fun to watch.

Haruhi: You like that animated stuff?

Kyon: Well, I'm not averse to it, but I wouldn't go out of my way to watch it.

Haruhi: I can relate to that.

Kyon: I don't want to go and find out it's something heavy, dark, or melodramatic.

Haruhi: You don't like that type of movie?

Kyon: It's okay if the story isn't too familiar. If it's in a sequel, though...

Haruhi: Oh yeah. Now that you mention it, sequels do tend to get way too dark.

Kyon: There's always that one scene where the lead goes crazy and starts yelling at someone...

Haruhi: ...and by the end of the film, you just feel bad for the author. Cause it's such an obvious cry for help.

Kyon: The characters always start fresh, but then they degenerate into the old patterns or cliches.

Haruhi: God! I hate that.

Kyon: It really sucks.

Haruhi: The thing I really hate is how the writing always seems to get worse.

Kyon: Yeah, even the little details of the story suffer and it drags you right out of that suspension of disbelief.

Haruhi: (sighing) It's easy for me to say, but I suck as a writer.

Kyon: Really?

Haruhi: Are you being sarcastic?

Kyon: No, I just thought you didn't realize...

Haruhi: I know I like to exude this confidence in front of the others, but the truth is I know I suck. It's pretty obvious.

Kyon: ...

Haruhi: Everybody makes this face like they just swallowed some rotten natto whenever we'd do a scene. I'm used to that expression from you. But then, even Mikuru and Koizumi start looking at me like that...

Kyon: (smiling) I don't think you really have anything to be ashamed of.

Haruhi: What? What are you smiling about?

Kyon: It's nothing. I just love these moments when you're just quietly relating to me. You seem like a really cute, normal girl.

Haruhi: Oh God!

Kyon: (laughing) Like how when you explained to me what happened during the festival. You know, about the band that suddenly needed a couple guitarists.

Haruhi: Huh?

Kyon: Don't you remember? About the band, and the fact that they suddenly needed you and Miss Nagato to fill in for them?

Haruhi: Did I actually tell you about that?

Kyon: Yeah, and it was just a sweet and beautiful moment we had. We were just sitting in class, discussing things like any two normal students would.

Haruhi: You mind if we sit?

Kyon: No, that's fine.

They sit at a park bench.

Haruhi: I can't believe you remember all that.

Kyon: Why wouldn't I? I remember it as clearly as if it had happened yesterday.

Haruhi: I only just now remember that because you reminded me. I wasn't still wearing that bunny outfit, was I?

Kyon: I think what I'm talking about happened sometime later.

Haruhi: But...

Kyon: Why would you keep wearing the bunny outfit in class?

Haruhi: Okay, now I'm all mixed up. I can't remember anything straight about that festival.

Kyon: (laughing) A lot of weird things happened back then. I still can't remember how I managed to finish editing that movie.

Haruhi: Right. I was wearing my uniform. Why on Earth did I think I was wearing the bunny outfit?

Kyon: Well, I like what you're wearing right now.

Haruhi: This thing? I just kind of tossed on any old thing.

Kyon: It's nice. I especially like the hat.

Haruhi takes off the hat.

Haruhi: Oh, I forgot I was still wearing it. You like this?

Kyon: Yeah. It makes you look sophisticated.

Haruhi: (nicely) That's because you're an idiot.

Kyon: (nicely) Who's the idiot who was wearing the stupid hat?

They lean toward each other and suddenly pull apart. Kyon scowls and rubs his teeth with his finger.

Haruhi: (laughing) Oh my God! I've heard of people doing that, but I never actually thought that would happen to me.

Kyon: Let's just be a little more careful, okay?

Haruhi: Okay.

They lean forward and gently kiss.

Haruhi: Oh sh... This is really bad.

Kyon: What's the problem?

Haruhi: I don't want to stop.

Haruhi grabs his shoulders and they kiss again.

- Scene 3:

The next morning, Kyon bumps into Kunikida and Taniguchi on his way to school.

Taniguchi: Hey pal! What's up?

Kyon: Nothing much. How about you?

Taniguchi: The rumors are already going around.

Kyon: About what?

Taniguchi: About you and Suzumiya.

Kyon: What are they saying this time?

Taniguchi: They say you two are getting pretty hot and heavy.

Kyon: Oh man...

Taniguchi: Well, I don't know what the guys are saying, but the girls have started really getting touchy. They've started referring to her as "that stuck-up bitch" and stuff like that.

Kyon: What's that about?

Taniguchi: I don't know, man. But I do recall noticing the other day how she was stroking your head when she thought nobody was looking. I think maybe one of them saw that.

Kyon: Okay. Well, thanks for letting me know.

Taniguchi: You're welcome. So, is it true? Are you seriously getting involved with her?

Kyon: Maybe.

Kunikida: Didn't I tell you? Kyon just loves the weird ones.

Kyon: ...

- to be continued


	10. Urges part 2

- Scene 4:

Later that afternoon, Koizumi arrives at the club room. Kyon is sitting at the computer and Yuki is reading.

Koizumi: Hey guys. Oh, I'm early?

Kyon: Hey there, Koizumi.

Koizumi: So, what are you doing?

Kyon: Nothing.

Koizumi: We seem to be getting out of sync a lot.

Kyon: You mind if I ask you something?

Koizumi: (thinking for a moment) Okay, well. I know what you're going to ask, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to politely decline.

Kyon: Why?

Koizumi: Why? (a little disgusted) Well, let's just say I think it's a little too soon for me to be doing you any favors like that. No offense.

Kyon: Yeah, you're right.

Koizumi: Sorry, but it also strikes me as a little rude. I thought you were above things like this.

Kyon: I am, but you know Haruhi. She said if I didn't ask, she'd kill me.

Koizumi: (chuckling nervously) Do we really need to discuss this in front of Miss Nagato?

Kyon: You have a problem with her knowing what Haruhi wants?

Koizumi: Well, I'd love to help you guys out, but my life is a little hectic right now.

Kyon: No, I understand. The fact is, I really hate to impose.

Koizumi walks around to the computer.

Koizumi: What exactly are you doing?

Kyon: (sighing) Saying goodbye.

Koizumi: Oh, to those photos you kept hidden on the computer here?

Kyon: Yeah, I guess I got kind of carried away at one point and admitted to it. Then, she told me she wanted this stuff gone. I do want to delete them, but...

Koizumi: I understand.

Kyon: Ah, screw it.

Kyon clicks the mouse a couple times.

Koizumi: I think you made the right decision.

Kyon: Well, it's more like I've lost interest. I still think she's pretty and all, but...

Koizumi: Trust me, I know how you feel.

Kyon: So, you have a thing for Haruhi?

Koizumi: Well... Yeah, okay. I admit it.

Kyon: I appreciate your honesty.

Koizumi: I admit I was taken in by her charm, and it was just a physical thing. I can't help it, okay?

Kyon: That's actually kind of romantic. I mean, you admired her from afar?

Koizumi: Are you mocking me?

Kyon: No, that's what I honestly think.

Koizumi: Okay. Well, I'll accept that. I know I'm going to sound like a bit of a hypocrite, but I really don't want to see anything bad happen to her.

Kyon: This actually explains a lot.

Koizumi: Yeah. So, for example, I saw you going over to her house yesterday.

Kyon: Are you a stalker?

Koizumi: You know it's my job.

Kyon: Yeah, I know.

Koizumi: So, it won't come as a big shock when I ask you what you were doing?

Kyon: (laughing) I only came over for some tea and a nice little chat.

Koizumi: I'll bet. Did anything happen that I should know about?

Kyon: What exactly should you know about?

Koizumi: I think you know what I mean.

Kyon: All right. Well, just to satisfy your curiosity, I'll tell you. Have you seen the inside of her house?

Koizumi: I'm afraid I haven't.

Kyon: You're probably better off. I mean, it isn't trashy or even altogether untidy, but it does give you that "lived-in" feeling to it, despite being a really nice house.

Koizumi: Okay, so it doesn't look like a museum?

Kyon: Oh, it's a museum, all right. Everywhere you look are shelves with models on them. I was a little terrified just walking around in there. I thought at any moment, I might tip something over and send a dozen or so models crashing to the floor.

Koizumi: Yeah... Now that I think about it, that doesn't really surprise me.

Kyon: Huh? Why is that?

Koizumi: I guess you haven't seen her father's dossier.

Kyon: What does he do?

Koizumi: He's a technical consultant for a fashion consulting firm.

Kyon: A what?

Koizumi: What he does basically is twenty or so weeks out of a year, he'll get flown to someplace and work on costumes for clients. I don't know all the details, but he's been all over the US and Europe.

Kyon: Twenty weeks out of the year? And he gets paid?

Koizumi: Yeah. He gets a salary just like anyone else. It's kind of bizarre, but he mostly gets paid to sit around doing nothing. And he makes a ton of money doing it.

Kyon: This kind of explains why I didn't see her mother, either.

Koizumi: How do you figure that?

Kyon: Well, think about it. "Sitting around making models all the time" is not something that looks impressive on a resume. She's probably worried that he won't find work if he ever loses that job.

Koizumi: Oh, I see. Yeah, I was kind of wondering why her mother worked full time.

Kyon: I guess this isn't a comfortable subject for her.

Koizumi: She does tend to avoid talking about her parents. And, speaking of her father, the man was recently in France. He just flew back this morning after having been there for two weeks.

Kyon: Oh, I see. This explains...

Koizumi: Yeah.

Kyon: Anyway, where was I?

Koizumi: You had just taken me inside her house.

Kyon: Right. So, we're just hanging around in the kitchen. By the way, the kitchen is also filled with models.

Koizumi: The kitchen?

Kyon: I know. Oh, you mean... Well, Haruhi likes to just grab something from the fridge and eat it right there.

Koizumi: You're kidding me.

Kyon: Oh, I'm just getting warmed up. If you think this is bad, you'd better sit down for the rest.

Koizumi: I think I really should.

Koizumi goes and sits.

Kyon: We're just hanging around the kitchen, when she starts talking about how she has this old Playstation and some old PS one games. It's in her room, so I head on up there before she realizes.

Koizumi: You're a sneaky bastard.

Kyon: Ain't I?

Koizumi: So, what's her room like?

Kyon: Well, once I really looked around, I have to admit I was pretty impressed by how girlish her room is.

Koizumi: That's not surprising.

Kyon: I mean, it looks like a twelve-year-old lives in that room. And... let's just say she's a big fan of Brad Pitt.

Koizumi: (laughing) Oh wow. I sure hope Miss Suzumiya isn't listening in on us.

Koizumi gets up and checks the door, looking outside the club room.

Koizumi: No. Still not here, yet.

Koizumi goes back and sits.

Kyon: You sure you want to know what happened next? Because it's kind of shocking. I don't want to really ruin your image of her.

Koizumi: I think you've already done that. Nothing you say now would surprise me.

Kyon: Well, okay. But don't say I didn't warn you.

Koizumi: You really know how to build suspense.

Kyon: Getting the timing right is an art. You should know that.

Koizumi: I agree. Okay, so go on. You're in her room.

Kyon: Well, I'm just sitting there marveling at how a girl that age could still have posters and DVDs and action figures of this guy...

Koizumi shakes his head in disgust.

Kyon: ...and I happen to notice that she has this nice little laptop computer.

Koizumi: She has her own computer?

Kyon: Don't tell me that surprises you.

Koizumi: Jeez...

Kyon: She never talks about it, of course. I shortly found out that she had a lot of programs on it that she isn't exactly proud of.

Koizumi: Nothing illegal?

Kyon: Hmm... (thinks for a moment) Well, I think she might have had a few games that were on the ban list.

Koizumi: Oh God...

Kyon: But it isn't really what you'd call intensely pornographic. It's just those games that have a few scenes that people might object to. It's not really what I'd call pornographic, anyway. It's all just light hearted stuff that people tend to overreact to. I don't have a problem with any of it, but she...

Koizumi: I really should have stopped while I was ahead.

Kyon: Well, maybe it's all for the best. She did say that she regretted keeping all that stuff, and even though I told her it was okay, she swore she would delete it all. Things got a little intense at that point, but nothing you would say that you "should" know about, I'm sure.

Koizumi: Please tell me that's all that happened.

Kyon: Sorry. There's one more thing. You want to hear it?

Koizumi: It's really for my own good. Serves me right for asking in the first place.

Kyon: Well, here goes. I found a box of condoms in her drawers.

Koizumi: She let you look through her drawers?

Kyon: I kind of coaxed her into not noticing that I was looking.

Koizumi: Jeez... Why didn't you just rip her clothes off?

Kyon: Hey, I'm a curious guy. I have to know these things. I can't just say I love you to someone I don't know anything about. That's crazy.

Koizumi: Most people don't go invading other people's privacy unprovoked.

Kyon: That's true, but she did provoke me.

Koizumi: Really?

Kyon: Up till then, she had mentioned a number of times what she wanted us to do. She asked me a lot of really personal questions about my sexual habits, too. In any normal situation, I'd have called it sexual harrassment. I can't complain, though. I mean, we had been really warming up to each other.

Koizumi: Condoms?

Kyon: I'm glad you were listening.

Koizumi: I think I'm just now recovering from the shock.

Kyon: I asked her about it, and you can guess what she said.

Koizumi: And that's it?

Kyon: And then we played some innocent video games. That was fun. After that, we went to the movies.

Koizumi: Miss Nagato, are you offended by any of this?

Yuki: No.

Koizumi: I'm so glad her father came back.

Kyon: So, you won't help us out?

Koizumi: Sorry. I guess I'm still a little bitter. I'm glad to see you two get together, but that's asking a little too much.

Kyon: Okay. Well, once again, it wasn't my idea.

Koizumi: Oh, I know. You've made that crystal clear.

Haruhi bursts into the room.

Haruhi: Hey guys! What's up?

Koizumi looks away in disgust.

Haruhi: What?

- Scene 5:

At Kyon's house, Kyon and Haruhi enter the living room. Kyon sits at a sofa.

Haruhi: What was that about, by the way?

Kyon: What?

Haruhi: That obviously disgusted look on Koizumi's face earlier today when I came into the club room.

Haruhi sits across from him.

Kyon: I had just asked him about... you know... for the second time.

Haruhi: Oh? How did he answer?

Kyon: He politely refused.

Haruhi: That sounds about right.

Kyon: He also mentioned earlier that he had had a thing for you.

Haruhi: (grinning) He had a crush on me? Well, duh.

Kyon: He assured me it was a strictly physical attraction, but I think he kind of...

Haruhi: I see. I broke his heart, huh? That's kind of sad.

Kyon: I wouldn't worry about it.

Haruhi: I need to remember to do something nice for him.

Kyon: I don't think he's going to forgive you for a while.

Haruhi collects herself for a moment.

Haruhi: What are you reading?

Kyon: (brandishing a small book) This? It's just something Miss Nagato handed me.

Haruhi: Is she passing love letters to you in those books?

Kyon: (mockingly) Ha ha ha. (serious) No, it's just Cyrano de Bergerac. You know, the old French play.

Haruhi: I think I remember that. The guy with the big nose.

Kyon: Yeah.

Haruhi: Sorry, I think that's all I remember. I don't really like the classics.

Kyon: It's not that old.

Haruhi: I've never really understood the bookworm mentality.

Kyon: Yeah, I doubt Cyrano did either. (flipping through the book) Actually, Miss Nagato does usually...

A small bookmark falls out, and Kyon picks it up.

Kyon: Here it is.

He hands it to Haruhi.

Kyon: I usually get some request to rendezvous with her to talk about stuff.

Haruhi: Are you going? "I will be at the apartment at seven." Wow, that sounds like a rendezvous.

Kyon: It's no big deal. You want to come?

Haruhi: No, thank you. It's just going to be tea and bookworm stuff, right?

Kyon: It's usually a lot more boring and technical than that, actually.

Haruhi: God! You've gotta be kidding me. (folds her arms) Although, I really should go just for the hell of it. I've got nothing better to do.

Kyon: Suit yourself.

Kyon flips back to earlier in the book and reads.

Haruhi: I had a word with Yuki earlier today.

Kyon: What did you talk about?

Haruhi: You know, how I wanted to use her place, since she lives by herself. She does live by herself, right?

Kyon: Sure seems that way.

Haruhi: She immediately refused, as well. I brought it up again a couple more times, and she ignored me. At least, I think she was ignoring me.

Kyon: You think she might be jealous?

Haruhi: Over you?

Kyon: Sorry, I don't know what I was thinking.

Haruhi: (scowling) I don't know if I really want to tag along. It'd feel kind of awkward.

Kyon: Yeah, you're right. You'd just be bored.

Haruhi: On the other hand, she might just be a bit more open to the idea. I mean, if you were there we might be able to think of something to convince her.

Kyon: It does seem kind of strange that she would just deny you like that.

Haruhi: I know! What's her problem?

Kyon: (a little disgusted) You don't think it's a little rude to even ask a favor like that?

Haruhi: No.

Kyon: ...

Haruhi: What's the big deal? It's not like I'm asking whether we can have a threesome in her living room.

Kyon: (amused) You really don't see the problem?

Haruhi: Why are you looking at me like that? Yes, I know I shouldn't impose on others, but it's not like we don't already know each other. Aren't we all friends? Haven't we already done so much together?

Kyon: This is a bit more than just about being friends. You don't just walk into someone else's house and say, "Hey, would it be okay if I got it on with my girlfriend here?" People are very territorial. It's only natural that they would get offended.

Haruhi: I kind of get what you're saying, but...

Kyon: Well, it's like... Jeez. Talking to you is sometimes like swimming upstream in a river.

Haruhi: Sorry for being socially inept.

Kyon: That's not what I mean. We're just from two very different worlds, that's all.

Haruhi: Could you use a metaphor I actually understand?

Kyon: Okay. Well... I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm like a guy who opens a door just a crack, and you come along and kick it all the way open. Right off the hinges, in fact.

Haruhi: Okay.

Kyon: And that kind of thing, well... It goes against the purpose of having a door in the first place. You see?

Haruhi: All right. I get it. I won't bring it up again.

Kyon: You won't?

Haruhi: Yeah.

Kyon: Okay. Just let me handle it. I think I can find a delicate way to bring it up.

- Scene 6:

That evening, at Yuki's apartment. Kyon enters, followed by Haruhi.

Kyon: Hello. Hope we're not imposing.

Yuki appears, standing near the entrace.

Yuki: It's fine. I was expecting you both.

Kyon: Really?

Yuki: Our discussion will have mutual benefits.

Kyon: Great. I'm looking forward to it.

Haruhi: Is this really where you live? What? Is everything out being cleaned?

Kyon: Actually, this is how it always looks.

Yuki: I am what you would term a stoic. We do not accumulate unnecessary objects.

Haruhi: Is that a cult?

Kyon: I don't think so.

Haruhi: Oh, now I remember. Stoic, huh? I didn't know they were so strict.

Yuki: May we begin?

Kyon: Oh, sure.

Yuki directs them to the table and pours them some tea.

Yuki: Before I begin this discussion, I would like to inquire whether you are familiar.

Kyon: Familiar?

Yuki: With the book.

Kyon: Oh. You mean, Cyrano de Bergerac. I'm afraid I've only read it once. That was back in middle school.

Yuki: The story pertains to the exploits of a multi-talented man whose gift of data manipulation was vastly underappreciated, most notably by himself.

Kyon: Yeah, I remember the general outline. He confesses his love of Roxane privately to his friend Christian.

Yuki: That is incorrect. Roxane privately confesses her love for Christian to Cyrano.

Kyon: Oh, right.

Yuki: Cyrano has made his love for Roxane known to Le Bret, however, Cyrano manipulates Christian into winning Roxane's love, even denying his own love at the verge of death.

Kyon: Yeah.

Yuki: I find this adhesion to a falsehood interesting.

Kyon: I got the impression that he was so proud of his skill with words that he wasn't even willing to sacrifice that pride for the woman he loved.

Yuki: That is the apparent central theme.

Kyon: I don't suppose that's how you view it.

Yuki: There are no wrong ways to view a work of fiction. However, I felt that the central event of the story was the key to understanding the significance of the adhesion.

Kyon: The central event?

Yuki: The moment when Roxane kissed Christian. "The heart's relieving in the heart's outbreathing, when to the lips the soul's flood rises, brimming..."

Kyon: "But I feel now, as though 'twere ill done..."

Yuki: Exactly.

Haruhi: I'm sorry, but what the heck are you guys talking about?

Kyon: "A knavish speech sleeps in a foolish ear..."

Haruhi: Is that supposed to be an insult?

Kyon: I was just kidding. No, I think what Miss Nagato was trying to say is that Cyrano put so much importance onto that first kiss, that it became a kind of betrayal of his own cowardice. It undermined his previous accomplishments and made his future endeavours pointless.

Yuki: On the contrary, that "betrayal" as you put it was simply the transformation of one type of input to another. The content of the data did not change. What changed was the delivery mechanism.

Kyon: So, the significance of the...?

Yuki: The adhesion is an apparent symptom of that event's accomplishment.

Kyon: Huh? Oh, so you mean that in his mind he became Christian?

Yuki: The would be a complication of my hypothesis. My statement concerns the data, not the source of the data.

Kyon: Oh... Oh, you mean that as long as his message got through...

Yuki: Yes.

Kyon thinks for a few moments on that.

Haruhi: Okay, what kind of sick, twisted mind even comes up with a story like that? The hero only cares if the girl he likes reads his words without even knowing where they came from?

Yuki: Attribution is an artifact of nature, not an element of nature.

Haruhi: But, without even knowing where the message came from, what's the point?

Kyon: I think what Miss Nagato is really saying is that the message itself is the hero of the story, not the people who delivered it. The message itself carries its own identity, and in time even reveals itself to the intended recipient.

Yuki: There is a fine line between data and what we perceive as "identity," and that may well be the real message of this play.

Haruhi: I'm starting to understand what you meant. This stuff is way over my head.

Kyon frowns as he notices Yuki smirk for a moment.

Kyon: Moving along... I couldn't help but notice how Cyrano's love is inspired by his attraction to her.

Yuki: "Like a sweet perfumed rose - a snare of nature, within whose petals Cupid lurks in ambush..."

Kyon: Yeah, I thought that speech was rather revealing.

Yuki: "I never will, while of myself I'm master, let the divinity of tears - their beauty be wedded to such common ugly grossness."

Kyon: Oh man. I had forgotten that one.

Haruhi: This sounds like a really depressing play.

Kyon: Well, it is all about war and romance. Not much room for comedy.

Yuki: The posing of violent dilemmas is generally the subject of drama.

Kyon: Speaking of dilemmas...

Yuki: Yes?

Kyon: I would consider it a tremendous favor if I could visit some time.

Yuki: Outside of a rendezvous?

Kyon: More like... if I could get out of everyone's way. I really don't want to offend anyone. It would just be so that Haruhi and I could be alone. If there's anything you object to, we would agree to refrain from doing it.

Yuki: I understand.

A few awkward moments pass.

Yuki: The fourth rule of advanced data interfaces is to not permit any potential dangers to persist in your base of operations.

Haruhi: Huh?

Yuki: Given the nature of your request, you should understand why I would decline.

Kyon: I understand. Sorry for the trouble.

Haruhi: Is that it?

Kyon: Well, no means no. What part of that didn't you understand?

Haruhi: Are you saying you understood that gibberish?

Yuki: Please, do not misunderstand. I did not say I declined your request.

Kyon: What?

Yuki: I simply wish to state that, as an acquaintance, I would be obligated to deny your request. However, if this request came from a social unit of greater significance, I might be willing to accept.

Kyon: Social unit?

Haruhi: Yuki, what do you want?

Yuki: (to Haruhi) Your diary.

Haruhi stares at Yuki for a few moments, then sighs.

Haruhi: Okay.

Kyon: Whoa, you have a diary?

Yuki: Then I will accept.

Yuki gets up and leaves.

Haruhi: Don't even think about it. My diary is completely off-limits.

- Scene 7:

Later that night, Kyon and Haruhi are walking toward the bus station, and they approach a coffee shop.

Kyon: You feel like having something to eat with me?

Haruhi: Yeah, sure. Why not?

They enter and go sit at a table.

Haruhi: That Yuki really played me good.

Kyon: I don't see what the big deal is.

Haruhi: You've obviously never kept a diary.

Kyon: A diary just seems kind of...

Haruhi: Childish?

Kyon: I was about to say pointless.

Haruhi: Oh, sure. For a guy like you, I guess a diary is. What's the point if nothing ever happens?

Kyon: (snide) That's really funny.

Haruhi: Admit it. Till I came along, nothing ever happened, right? You didn't even believe in Santa?

Kyon: I can proudly state that that is true.

Haruhi: Yeah. Boring and proud of it. You're lucky you have me, Cyrano. With your big boring nose of a life.

Kyon seems amused by that as Haruhi ponders in thought for a few moments.

Haruhi: Oh, I get it. I'm so stupid.

Kyon: What?

Haruhi: No more books from Miss Stoic for you, buster.

Kyon: Huh?

- Fin


	11. Something totally pointless

- And now, something totally pointless:

Author: Hi, I'm the imaginary author.

Proofreader: Hi, I'm the imaginary proofreader.

Author: (laughing) A little more imaginary than usual this time around.

Proofreader: Give me a break. I got busy.

Author: So, let's get to it.

Proofreader: Here's the part where we pat each other on the back and say how wonderful we think we are.

Author: Cause that's what these commentary things are for, right?

Proofreader: I think we're actually supposed to do something literary.

Author: Huh?

Proofreader: I mean, because otherwise this could just be a forum post.

Author: (laughing) As opposed to those stories?

Proofreader: (laughing) Yeah, I think this commentary might actually be more entertaining.

Author: Well, okay. If you're still reading this, I'll get right to it.

Proofreader: And hopefully, the fact that we're imaginary means that this is some Haruhi-related fiction.

Author: Shhh. You're not supposed to give that away.

Proofreader: Sorry. Was that supposed to be a big secret?

Author: The only secret is why people are reading this crap.

Proofreader: People must be really really bored.

Author: Well, enough with the lame comedy routine. Let's go straight into boring people with comments.

Proofreader: But, before we do that, I should warn the readers that we will likely go off on some serious tangents.

Author: Right. This will really just be random junk that we're thinking about.

Proofreader: Random but Haruhi-related, I should add.

Author: Yeah, right.

Proofreader: Well, then. I'll ask questions and you answer.

Author: Fire away.

Proofreader: Okay. Let's just start with some general questions.

Author: Okay.

Proofreader: Do you really not know anything about Japanese naming etiquette?

Author: Oh, man. Don't start with that sh...

Proofreader: I'm just wondering, because I went back and checked it, and it seems kind of like Kyon is being an aloof ass in all these things.

Author: Okay, I tried to do an English version of that Japanese BS, but I think I was off the mark.

Proofreader: Well, you were consistently off, at least.

Author: So, just go back and substitute what he should be saying in your head.

Proofreader: I take it you never read the novels.

Author: I'm more of an anime/manga fan. This is why Imouto, who is 10-going-on-11 is described as looking 7 or 8. Because you watch the anime and you would swear that's how old she is.

Proofreader: So, do you plan on fixing any of that?

Author: Meh.

Proofreader: I really should have seen that coming.

Author: It's not like naming etiquette doesn't matter. I mean, confusing -san and -kun could get you stabbed with an umbrella-

Proofreader: If you make a habit of it.

Author: Right. But, here in America, nobody gives a sh... It's just a freaking name. Get over it.

Proofreader: Great. We've just pissed off all the otakus.

Author: That's only like what? 90% of Haruhi fans? Who needs them?

Proofreader: Well, getting back to Haruhi...

Author: Who is that?

Proofreader: You seem to like torturing Haruhi.

Author: It's fun. I highly recommend it to you aspiring writers.

Proofreader: Aren't you an aspiring writer?

Author: It's not like I didn't try, it's just... I happened to notice Dan Brown and people actually buying that crap and I thought. What the f...? Why the hell is anybody reading that and actually paying for the privilege. I wouldn't read that garbage at gun point.

Proofreader: But there's always going to be mediocre writers like that. It's in the grand tradition of Bulwer-Lytton.

Author: (laughing) It was a dark and stormy night, as I sat at the local bookstore and watched patron after patron buying Dan Brown novels, whilst I (shuddering and trembling in horror) contemplated the unending stream of boredom that awaited their anticipated opening of those wordy and verbose tomes of terror.

Proofreader: It is a bit of a slog at times.

Author: My point is that unless you write such horrible stuff as gets confused with great parody and is thereby propelled to accidental critical acclaim, you're not going to get your foot in the door.

Proofreader: It also helps if you have a good idea.

Author: No such thing, man.

Proofreader: I'd just like to say to you aspiring writers to just keep plugging away. If you have talent, you can find work. Now, getting paid for it...

Author: (laughing) Enough said.

Proofreader: Right. Next question: What's with all this Yuki stuff?

Author: Get used to it, my friend. You're going to be seeing a lot of it here, soon.

Proofreader: Oh, because of that movie? "The Disappearance of Haruhi?"

Author: You bet.

Proofreader: I just saw that camrip, by the way.

Author: About time. I saw that two months ago.

Proofreader: Thanks. I now have eye-cancer.

Author: (laughing) So, what did you think?

Proofreader: Well, the idiot shooting the thing was holding the camera and used auto-focus, so the damn thing is blurry most of the time, and the screen doesn't even-

Author: I meant, what did you think of the movie?

Proofreader: Oh... Well, it was awesome, of course. I give it my highest rating: 8 of 10.

Author: That is generous, coming from you. I give it 9 of 10, myself.

Proofreader: It was excellent writing, great animation (what I could see of it), and I love that twist at the end.

Author: You were surprised by that?

Proofreader: Honestly, yes. I didn't see it coming.

Author: Wow. Really?

Proofreader: Really. Is that hard to believe?

Author: No, not really. I guess you just have to be a die-hard Haruhi fan to think it was obvious. Well, whatever.

Proofreader: I would say this really deserves a DVD release.

Author: As opposed to?

Proofreader: As opposed to that Endless Eight crap.

Author: I knew you were going to say that. What's wrong with Endless Eight?

Proofreader: Oh, come on! They take a one-episode script and drag it out to eight episodes. Eight! And it's not even a really good episode.

Author: I thought it was pretty cool. And I highly recommend buying those on DVD, too. Once they come out.

Proofreader: Yeah, some time next year. If we're lucky.

Author: So, are we just going to spam Haruhi products?

Proofreader: Okay, next question. This seems to be on the mind of "reviewers" of your previous thing.

Author: Reviews. That's funny.

Proofreader: One briefly writes that you're confusing and another briefly complains about how you aren't thorough.

Author: And yet they fail to see...

Proofreader: ...right.

Author: I will admit that I am lazy. I tend to skim a lot when I read "normal" novels, because it's mostly just atmosphere that does nothing to move the story. It's only natural that I write in a get-straight-to-the-damn-point style.

Proofreader: I use that style a lot, myself. I think it's the influence of TV.

Author: As for being confusing, well... Whatever. I don't have the patience to write in the style of Harry Potter or Stephen King novels. Those guys write like they're being paid by the number of pages. I write like I'm not getting paid. Which I'm not.

Proofreader: Well, let's get to the stories. A couple of "how to" stories?

Author: Yeah.

Proofreader: The first one was kind of... I thought you were making Kyon a little more paranoid than normal.

Author: I know. It's just a contrivance to jump into the part you like to write.

Proofreader: But you didn't even write that part.

Author: I'm kind of desperate to head off people using Mikuru-clone-Yuki as Yuki in their 'shippers.

Proofreader: Because of "Disappearance"?

Author: Yeah. In that movie, that personality works because that's obviously the personality that Yuki thought Kyon would consider the most normal.

Proofreader: This is dangerously close to spoilers.

Author: Oh, close? No, that is a spoiler. A huge spoiler.

Proofreader: Oops. Well, if you don't want the rest of the movie spoiled (which looks likely), you'd probably better skip this bit.

Author: The movie shouldn't have been called "The Disappearance of Haruhi". It should have been called "Yuki Nagato's Week Off". That would have been a bit more accurate.

Proofreader: Well, since we're spoiling the movie anyway, I'd just like to say that Kyon having that chat with Yuki at the end and telling her that he basically preferred her real personality better should probably head off all the crappy Yuki-as-Mikuru 'shippers.

Author: You would think that, but I'm guessing it won't.

Proofreader: And, as for the movie's title, I would vote for: "Haruhi Head-Butts Kyon".

Author: (laughing) Oh my God! That would have been awesome!

Proofreader: Because, honestly, I think that's the main thing that would make me see the movie more than once.

Author: That was such a huge, iconic moment in the film, too.

Proofreader: I think it beats out that moment where Kyon kisses Haruhi in the alternate space.

Author: It does tell you in a flash everything you need to know about raw, unadulterated, long-haired Haruhi.

Proofreader: Well, now that we've spoiled everything that was great about the movie-

Author: Except for the mysterious perpetrator.

Proofreader: (sarcastic) Oh, yeah. You'll never guess who it is.

Author: They really overplayed that bit.

Proofreader: Anyway, I think we should move on to the next story. How to ruin a porno. That was...

Author: Speechless with admiration?

Proofreader: I can't help but admire how open-minded Kyon is.

Author: Kyon is actually a pretty typical character. Honestly, he's a little too stereotypical, but that's his thing.

Proofreader: You mean, stereotypically Japanese?

Author: Yeah, I'm not really comfortable with the concept, but it's really easy to imagine a character like that.

Proofreader: As opposed to Yuki.

Author: Actually, I have no trouble at all writing Yuki. I have more trouble writing Haruhi.

Proofreader: Well, isn't that interesting.

Author: Hey, you asked.

Proofreader: Moving right along, let's talk about that horrible revenge story.

Author: That's basically my attempt to write a Mikuru 'shipper.

Proofreader: Just that?

Author: Well, I did feel obliged to make it funny. Since we're talking about a Mikuru 'shipper, that pretty much limits you to really dark comedy.

Proofreader: I'm kind of getting a "Penn and Teller Get Killed" vibe from it.

Author: I also shamelessly rip off "Heathers".

Proofreader: So, I guess you can blame them if you don't like this story.

Author: That's right. It was their fault.

Proofreader: That ending was weird. I mean, I kind of like the idea of a Utopia. That doesn't really feel like revenge to me.

Author: Even a Utopia where they do nothing but sing about how much they love Haruhi all the time?

Proofreader: ...

Author: Oh, and I also rip off "Twilight Zone" with that ending.

Proofreader: Speaking of "Twilight Zone" I kind of got that vibe from the glasses story.

Author: It's just another lame "and then he woke up" story.

Proofreader: Oh, yeah. And who doesn't love the prophetic dream cliche.

Author: We'll just pretend that story didn't happen.

Proofreader: Okay. About "The Koizumi Gambit"...

Author: Yes?

Proofreader: I'm really more interested in what happened when Koizumi gave Haruhi that script.

Author: (laughing) He probably had his fingers crossed and hoped the world wasn't going to suddenly end. Of course, I like to imagine Koizumi does that a lot.

Proofreader: I also think a "Taming of the Shrew" might not be a bad idea.

Author: Oh, well that's just the next obvious thing.

Proofreader: How do you figure?

Author: Well, Haruhi is constantly trying to get Mikuru and Koizumi together, so there's your lead characters. Knowing Haruhi, she'd make herself the Bianca character, and the rest writes itself.

Proofreader: And Koizumi calls Haruhi a bitch?

Author: A play has to have those moments. Otherwise, the audience just falls asleep. Koizumi would know that, but he would also dread it. Of course, that's the fun thing about Koizumi. He's always doing these things that he secretly loves and fears. It's kind of a cathartic thing for him.

Proofreader: Oh, right. You have Koizumi having a crush on Haruhi.

Author: That was always in the back of my mind.

Proofreader: I suppose your Yuki has a crush on Kyon?

Author: I don't know if I'd call it a crush. She's definitely jealous. I don't think Kyon realizes that that's what it is, but he's starting to see that emotion in her, bit by bit.

Proofreader: Well, the next story is my favorite.

Author: The unicorn story?

Proofreader: That one really seems to capture the true essense of Haruhi.

Author: I wasn't really shooting for all that. I just thought it might be nice to have a good poetic justice comeback at the end.

Proofreader: Poetic justice?

Author: Oh, you know. That whole thing about Haruhi having this strange and interesting experience and the others simply not being able to understand.

Proofreader: Oh, right.

Author: I just thought about it for a long time, and then I said, "Hey, you know what? Unicorns."

Proofreader: This is how the mind of a writer works.

Author: It's really the perfect thing. You take a unicorn and Haruhi encounters it with a couple reputable witnesses, and bam! No more SOS Brigade. No more need to hide anything from Haruhi.

Proofreader: No more data for the big boss or time travel for Mikuru, either.

Author: That was just a nice bonus. But then I thought, how the hell is a unicorn going to show up in the first place? That lead to me thinking about theme parks, and then I thought about how I could contrive to get her into one.

Proofreader: This is how you construct a good mystery. Just go backward.

Author: The lazy way. To do mystery or thriller. But, in this case, I had this idea. The idea needed some explanation, and that explanation needed its own explanation and so on. It was really just the natural progression.

Proofreader: All right. About that last one.

Author: "Urges", right.

Proofreader: I guess I don't need to ask what that's about.

Author: I thought I'd write a Haruhi 'shipper, as long as I've written a Mikuru 'shipper.

Proofreader: The low-hanging fruit.

Author: More like rolling-around-on-the-ground fruit. It's like writing a Futurama Leela-Fry fanfic. About as interesting a concept as going to the store to buy groceries.

Proofreader: It took you a little extra time to write that, I notice.

Author: Yeah. Well, I was conflicted over what to call it. For a while, I thought about just calling it "Booty Call" but then something told me that wasn't as clever as "Urges".

Proofreader: I think you made the right choice.

Author: But honestly, the thing about that story was that I was determined to write it in the style of Tarantino, since this was such an obvious way to go with the story. It just seemed like the natural way to write it.

Proofreader: And that's why it took so long?

Author: Yeah, because I hadn't thought seriously about what a f-ing genius Taratino is about smoothly blending fiery speeches with really convincing aerial chit-chat. It wasn't anywhere near as easy as I thought it would be, and I eventually just said, screw it. I'm just cranking this out.

Proofreader: You seemed to be hinting at some action that didn't ultimately take place.

Author: You mean, in the Taniguchi scene?

Proofreader: Yeah, that was it.

Author: That scene was really more about setting the mood. I really just wanted the reader to feel like things were already getting tricky, and it wasn't even a full day later.

Proofreader: I won't even ask what Yuki was really talking about.

Author: Yeah, you should already know. I mean, I just gave you her motivation.

Proofreader: But it is confusing.

Author: Not really. I mean, from Kyon's point of view, sure. You just have to keep in mind that Kyon has a knack for complicating things. Once you realize that, it's actually pretty damn obvious that Yuki is just flirting with him in her own weird way. Even Haruhi can see that.

Proofreader: So, we get some Taniguchi and Kunikida. No love for Tsuruya?

Author: They're all just bit players. Tsuruya especially, because she's basically Mikuru's goofy idiot sidekick. Since the story is always from Kyon's POV, that makes it really tough to include her. Honestly, I'd more likely write about Shamisen than Tsuruya.

Proofreader: Speaking of Mikuru, she doesn't show up at all in "Urges".

Author: Yeah, that was a wise move on her part.

Proofreader: I'm sure the question all the readers are wondering: What exactly happens between scene 6 and 7?

Author: (laughing) If I told you, I'd have to take down the story.

Proofreader: I guess that's enough said.

Author: The story is already riding the border of what's acceptable. That missing scene would explode it way over the line.

Proofreader: Well, on that wholesome note, I bid the reader farewell.

Author: See you later, suckers!


End file.
